morning to the end of the day

SO ANYWAY, aside from my career as a little texting machine, I've been having a string of extremely depressed days. The birds have returned, and they chirp chirp chirp in the mornings, so I get up and think it's April, and then I look outside at two feet of snow still on the ground and wither and die.

Last Saturday I watched Slayers Next straight through for the 10000000000000th time. This Saturday we watched Slayers Try straight through, which I had never done before. 26 half-hour episodes take ten hours if you skip through most openings and endings, and we ordered Papa John's, and it all made me feel like spring break 2000. I guess that's okay.

Then I stayed home "sick" yesterday because I was angry angry angry that I was born in a world without magic and I have to be an accountant and I live in Nebraska and I'm old and fat and no longer the main character, and I cannot be the Perky Princess at work when I get that way. Everyone thought I was sick still today, because I was quiet. I hadn't realized that I'm a noisy little bitch, but apparently. A friend was babbling about immortality research, which makes me curl up in a corner and quiver. I cannot contemplate THIS, endlessly. THIS for another fifty years is just about all anyone could ever expect from me.

I NEED A ROAD TRIP like what whoa, but everywhere within two tanks of gas is also under two feet of snow, so it would serve no purpose. I want to go out west sooooo much, whiiiine.

If anyone recalls my complaints about professional organizations a few months ago, karma has again taken my neck into its vise-like jaws, and I am guilted into being the secretary of the Omaha Metro chapter of Whatever No One Cares. This means I have to attend the district leadership meeting in KC in May (oh noes). The silver linings of this are 1) I have to drive down Thursday night so get to skip out on board, and 2) someone will be paying my mileage to go hang out with Unicorn Hunter Biskit afterward. I need to go down in June so we can try to get kicked out of Shakespeare in the Park again, except that there are always tornadoes if I go to KC in June. Empirically proven.

I need to make my girldoctor appointment, because I have but one refill of anti-hemorrhage pills, but I am loath do to so because she is going to try to pump me full of antidepressants again. (Note: anyone who extols the virtues of such in my comments is going to get dumped off all my social-media lists faster than you knew data could transfer.)

THE $900 SPACE VACUUM CAME HOME TODAY I was so happy. No matter how clean the house is, it looks like filth if the carpet is dirty. I am displeased, however, that it didn't even take a year to clog up badly enough to need $100 of professional help. I have two cats with mid-length fur, and I don't remember vacuuming up any balloons.

today will be better, I swear

why they should confiscate my phone at the door

This really ought not be recorded for posterity, but....

(B) Just puked at work. Romaine lettuce CAN come out your nose - don't let no one tell you different.

(K) I don't know what I'd do without you to tell me these things.

(K) Like how I'd get butt worms if I don't drink tequila with sushi. SAVED MY LIFE.

(B)Pretty much just drink tequila with everything to be safe. Then you'll be puking a lot, so also never eat lettuce.

(B) TEQUILA = YES. LETTUCE = NO. UNICORNS = SWISS DISCOTHEQUE.

(K) I am going to embroider that into a sampler.

(B) I'm using "If Almanzo liked it, he should have built a shanty on it".

(K) Maybe we can convince that chick to join our intrepid band of UNICORN HUNTAAS.

(B) That just made me slightly hysterical. Methinks I need some quinine. Don't forget the Stone of Speaking for our journey.

(B) Also, we probably need a virgin to catch unicorns, but I'm NOT bringing Rob.

(K) I think mine grew back. We can take Spook as a backup.

(B) Queen Elizabeth I revirginized herself and so can you. Who's more of a girl in case you die? Spook or Rob?

(K) They're both Muppets. What about hermaphroditic virgins?

(B) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I love you.

(K) Now I wonder if unicorns appear to rape victims. Do they have any discretion at all? Blind justice vs. pure justice. Let's ask Pelu.

(B) What about the lesbionics? Some guys don't think that's "really" sex. Are male unicorns ignorant douchebags?

(B) This is why it's so important for us to conduct this work.

(K) There must be grants we can apply for.

texts from last night, Lime Girl style

I would name it "Cervidae's Bane," slay me some Princess antlers, and lead the Wild Hunt.

Maybe [redacted] is a hermaphrodite. Let's put him behind a TV and see if he poops.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT ANY LESBIAN INCEST KYTTYNZ.

Apple Snickers salad is morally reprehensible.

We will wear sea green silk with crinolines and promenade along the river banks, then lure the demons with bits of cheese.

Tied up in van on way to Twilight movie. Please detonate bomb in 10m.

THE URINE OF OUR WHALES IS NO LAUGHING MATTER.

Is it weird that I find Lee Harvey Oswald kind of hot? And have I already asked you that?

I stepped barefoot into cat shit like 20 min ago. If we were together it would be a partay.

We should write a cartoon called "You eat, you poop, you die, no one cares."

Just stop offering old men threesomes on their way home!

Maybe we should start a cult. Seeing as how we're not joiners.

You have now earned three more lives.

Then, since you reminded me, spent 20m looking at Google image search of Xelloss on my phone and now have only 10m left not to throw up.

FYI, dry erase marker does not erase well from banana.