Apparently my sister has attracted some little boy into following her around, and she asked my mom how to get rid of it (answer: hammer, tongs, heavy gloves). Spook just needs to have me call him so that I can explain the crazy and why it's best not to get involved. I told Mom this, and she said that he probably doesn't want anything to do with the family and just wants to sleep with her. I said I KNOW, BUT WE ARE TOO CRAZY EVEN FOR THAT. She gave birth to us; she of all people should grok that. WE ARE THE KIND OF CRAZY YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH EVEN IN PASSING. I can give you REFERENCES.
I'm serious about Cervidae's Bane. I wish I didn't have this little world in my head, because it's hard to ignore it in favor of the external side.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
try explaining it to the Capellan overlords
So I am home. I brought Electra, but Dad has no idea what his WPA key is, and I am too tired to get in the router and change it tonight. My plans for watching cartoons on Netflix are THWARTED.
HOWEVER, there is cable TV here. I have not had cable TV since I moved out. I am sleeping out in the sunroom, which was Mom's bedroom, because my old room has been repainted (blue over pink), recarpeted, and outfitted with an inadequate hide-a-bed loveseat. ALSO I fail to understand why he thought it necessary to carpet my bathroom? Not even indoor-outdoor type carpet like in my first apartment, which was pretty nasty by the time I moved out anyway, but actual normal living-room type carpet. hork.
[note: this has not been edited for coherence although posted the next day]
2 - St. Joe local news, I think. I want to slap this weather guy into 1957.
3 - TryAbCircle.com N K THX
4 - baseball. is this baseball time of year? isn't that done? aren't football and baseball mutually exclusive? sigh.
8 - is this local access? This used to be NWMSU's weird RGB weather type scrolling text channel. All the channels are different and I want to know where 5 and 6 went. 7 was HBO and we never got that.
9 - "We're on television and Facebook!" and you won't find me on either.
10 - This show is called "Praise the Lord." I am trying to imagine who watches Praise the Lord at 11:00pm Central. I picture elderly women in print muumuus sitting on 1970s polyester paisley couches with many cats in a wood-paneled living room decorated with velvet Jesus and Elvis paintings in a 1:1 ratio. To be fair, I'm kind of thinking about my great-grandmother...Wow. Now there's a stagecoach and horses. OMG PONIES so far this is winning; do I get an honorary muumuu?
11 - This appears still to be Kansas City PBS but it's full of singing men in cowboy hats and earrings on a stage with a projection of the White House in the background. Note: TV is on mute.
12 - Gyrating skank-type in spandex and sequins on another stage that looks kind of like the bridge on the original Enterprise. Next.
13 - Race cars. Nascar? This rates second to the ponies to date.
14 - I think this is a movie. Some guy and a lady and her son who is wearing a letter jacket to bed? It looks like there is a mummified pterodactyl hanging from the ceiling. There is a bowl of bananas. I prefer plantains to bananas.
15 - William Shatner is angry and wearing a suit. Sing Lucy in the Sky! Please?!?
16 - A nerdy guy in a business suit and a woman in a really ugly white pantsuit are putting some kind of belt on another man in gym shorts and projecting some kind of thermographic showing increase to core body temperature. OKAY I totally thought this was a sitcom but apparently it really is an infomercial. God Bless America.
17 - Master Prep Quad Blade Food and Drink Maker. QVC currently ranks #1, ponies lose by a nose. whoa, I think that guy just pureed a ham.
19 - Winning-2009.com. Is everything infomercials after 11? sad.
20 - this has commercials on top and like TV guide on the bottom third of the screen? I don't understand. So many things in the world that I do not understand.
23 - apparently ESPN hires a lot of very intent bronze-blonde fortyish women reporters. This is football, not baseball. AAAARRRRGH
24 - this is also football. this can't be live at this hour, can it? it is a Halloween game; the orange team is playing against the black team. Oh, shit, it's Mizzou and they're losing. Come on, guys, try a little harder, I don't care how hard you suck as long as it's less than Nebraska.
25 - All Night Poker. Who thought that was exciting enough to televise?
26 - more sports of some ilk. it makes me angry. a n g r y
27 - Really, truly terrifying GEICO commercial. I refuse ever to have GEICO just because of the commercials.
28 - Still MTV. At least some things are consistent. And they consistently do not play videos. Has radio turned about and killed the video star? I hate to admit that the DVD collection of McCartney videos I got is pretty much uniformly unfortunate.
29 - some boy biking on an obstacle course at night near a giant inflatable Mountain Dew bottle. Has a helmet but no elbow pads, C+
30 - Sorority Wars world premiere. seriously? ngh2wpp3qr279
31 - I think these are the balloon people on CNN. I want to build a balloon and run away in it so I need to lose 100 pounds immediately for it to be feasible. It's good to set achievable goals and what were we talking about again?
32 - A&E. lots of people in police uniforms. Not sure if they are actually supposed to be police. Explosions. Man whose cheekbones are about to pop out of his skull and take over the world.
33 - Team of men in helmets and orange shirts with reflective tape. I would like to take part in an activity that requires such gear one time anyway. They're getting into a helicopter. I'm not very interested in helicopters. They just seem noisy. I would prefer to utilize my helmet and orange reflective shirt to ride a four-wheeler crosscountry in search of a lost ark. One of the men is now wearing what appears to be a pink hula skirt with long, wide strips of grass. I'm kind of curious about this but sense that the answer will only disappoint.
34 - TNT, whatever this is, at least I know it will be trashy. It is a show about men watching sports. FML.
35 - I am unfamiliar with FX. Talking men in business suits again. TV is 40% that, 40% sports, 20% regrettable miscellany. Aren't there supposed to be cartoon channels or something?
36 - DISNEY. if it's not That's so Raven or Lizzie McGuire, DO NOT WANT. Teenaged children on a couch watching a girl with a tiara and a golden dress freak out and hide behind a car on TV. Is this what they call meta?
37 - ooh ooh Nick at Nite....DUDE. THE NANNY? REALLY?
38 - Who actually subscribes to Better Homes and Gardens besides dentists' offices? I mean, seriously.
39 - I approve of the History Channel in theory but this appears to be entirely about baby heads.
40 - The SyFy thing is sooooooo lame that it is a physical pain in my kidney. When did this channel last not suck? 1997?
41 - Adult Swim. This is something else better in theory than in practice. I guess it wins over everything but the Quad Blade thing. I can only watch anime subtitled. I can't even tell if this is real anime or something fake. Neither can I tell what's going on, and I don't care enough to unmute. It's not Space Ghost so autofail.
42 - I think this used to be the last channel. HGTV. A man in an aqua polo shirt is caressing a wall with a truly beatified expression. A woman with a sewing machine is taking him waaaay too seriously. This might be the Extreme Home Makeover guy. I used to watch that while I lay on the floor to do isometric exercises during the Fabulous Broken Hip Incident. Except that I also watched Wife Swap because I only got the one channel and that's probably when I gave up on the world for good. "Surviving a Super Tumor" premieres tomorrow. again, seriously?
43 - The Weather Channel is a runner-up to QVC. It neither thrills nor offends. Montana Tourism Up. Good to know.
44 - TBS. I miss Dinner and a Movie with Paul and Annabelle. This movie is not Spaceballs, so NEXT.
45 - C-Span. Hives commence.
46 - Fox News Hello Goodbye.
47 - The Suze Orman Show. Is that supposed to be pronounced like "Susie"? My gut instinct is to call that adolescent affectation, but that woman looks about 45, so maybe her mom just hated her that much, I don't know, but you can change that kind of thing if you're motivated. She's gesturing wildly, kind of like a chimpanzee. This is almost interpretive dance. I'm oddly entranced.
48 - MSNBC = C-SPAN = horkhorkhork
49 - I don't know who Joy Behar is, but she looks like Laurie Partridge. I think her name was Laurie. My ideal cable lineup would be: The Partridge Family, Mary Tyler Moore, Newhart, shitty moon dub, Muppet Babies, and pre-1990 Sesame Street. You see why this is an exercise in futility. Does anyone else remember Dog City?
50 - oh my God I so do not ever want to hear about Kate Gosselin again, I am so angry that I even recognize her face that I could take an axe to something, anything, possibly this weird little white flatscreen Samsung TV that I really thought was a monitor Spook had left in here when she moved, but no.
51 - ABC Family has finally given me another pony, this one being curried by a woman wearing either a nightgown or a prom dress. She's talking to a very tan older man who reminds me of the Cryptkeeper for reasons I can't quite understand. WOW flashback to 1996.
52 - Food Network. I liked Feasting on Asphalt, both seasons. I haven't seen the waves one yet but am not sure that will work well. I really hate Paula Deen, especially when I'm on the treadmill. They're filling my screen with dead bird so this has to stop.
53 - Sloppy boy in a plaid shirt on Comedy Central. I am 98% sure he would not be funny even if I turned it up. Just a hunch. Boy is going through a phase of listening to streaming standup comedy on his pookie. GUESS WHAT. NONE OF YOU ARE FUNNY except the guy who sang the song about his kitten trying to kill him or eat him or something, and clearly that wasn't funny enough for me to remember it.
54 - The Hallmark Channel. The very name bodes ill. Kids in those little racecar things that get rolled down hills. The little blip in the lower right corner says COUNTDOWN TO HALLOWEEN, but this is so not a Halloween movie unless someone dies in his little racer car and haunts all the others. I was going to watch Are You Afraid of the Dark on YouTube tonight. Specifically the Whispering Walls one, the one with the toy factory and the creepy guy that says, "Hello, I am Leonid," because that's some funny shit right there, and the one with the girl who gets possessed by her deceased equestrienne aunt Dora, because "LET ME OUT 4 3 8" is my motto. (Note: It may be a different yet similar series of three digits but I cannot fact-check because stupid dad stupid wireless key rrrrrgh) I forgot to add that to the ideal show list some lines up.
55 - BAR FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT with an art glass sculpture? a unique sort of garden trowel? I have no idea what that hairy cowboy's got in his hand there.
56 - Navy-type men, presumably on a boat, if boats have ceiling fans inside, but I can't think why you'd have ugly lights on the ceiling like that if they weren't multi-function emergency lights for when the hurricane damages your generators and you're floating lifeless in the middle Atlantic.
57 - Stop-action Dr. Pepper commercial. I shall allow this to continue. Preferably without the scary rabbit.
58 - It's Animal Planet, but all I see are dogs. Montage of dogs. I would like to see some black bears, or maybe a Kodiak bear, or I guess a narwhal. There is this bar in a super ghetto part of St. Joe on the Avenue called The Brown Bear, and they have a big sign with a bear and I'd like to go inside someday just to see what it's like but first I need a concealed weapon permit and also a Bumpit.
59 - whoa SKULL. this is the Travel Channel. but all I see is SKULL.
60 - OUTDOOR. running dogs. They look like Mishie's dad's bird dogs. One was named Lolly and I was terrified of them even though they lived outside in a little pen thing. "Quail and Pheasant Restoration Technologies." I'm going to night school to become a certified quail restoration technologist. You have to pass a test and then work for three years under a quailmaster.
61 - beer and now cars. it's a men's health supplement commercial. if you take this, you can drink more beer and drive your car faster? you are still an a-hole. I wonder if I called the 1-888 number if I'd get Biskit's brother who works in a call center taking orders for that kind of thing. He has some great stories.
62 - wow that man really looks like a pig, maybe I should go to bed. oh god golf why is golf on TV. golf is boring in real space and also on TV. If there is no little windmill, you need to take up curling instead, or RUGBY. REAL MEN PLAY RUGBY.
63 - AMC. wow, this is pre-1985, whatever it is. lots of guns and lots of hair. I still want that Hello Kitty assault rifle.
64 - National Geographic channel. they have that? this show has like a biker gang or something knocking on people's doors and they're all shaking hands. it's New York? I don't like New York, it out-noisies the helicopters; next.
65 - OH OH OH OH OH OH OH IT'S ROSEANNE WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN wait it's on TV LAND WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY I AM NOT OLD ENOUGH FOR THAT TO BE ON TV LAND
66 - I remember TVs with little dials and you could have twelve channels because it went to 13 but didn't have a 1. So far I am still glad I don't have TV at home. I guess I would have three or four channels if I ever bring that digital converter into the house from the trunk of my car.
67 - oh wow Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor. I'm thinking NO.
68 - this is entirely in Spanish, even the Advil commercials. I want one in Bulgarian.
69 - I'm kind of offended that there needs to be a BET but I don't know that I can articulate the reasons.
70 - TruTV. Is this a biography? There is a man in the dark being questioned, and then shots of a bar and flashing lights. I had a TV in my room all through high school. I remember watching Caroline in the City and Friends and Frasier in maybe ninth grade and movies on the phone with Punkin but I don't remember it being this bad? When I was back home in school I would watch Golden Girls upstairs before work sometimes.
71 - this looks like the Soap Channel? Does that exist? This woman in a hospital bed has some really random bandages on her face. I want to live in their world. My name would be Corinne, and I would drive a green Ferrari. The woman I thought was my sister would actually be my grandmother, and my father would be in jail in Sierra Leone. I would be constantly fleeing from ninjas and international spies who are after the mysterious 50-carat topaz pendant I inherited on my 21st birthday.
72 - LMN. lemon? lame-n? who actually wears puffy vest jacket things? I am going to bed and hope I wake up in a parallel dimension.
[note: sadly, I did not]
HOWEVER, there is cable TV here. I have not had cable TV since I moved out. I am sleeping out in the sunroom, which was Mom's bedroom, because my old room has been repainted (blue over pink), recarpeted, and outfitted with an inadequate hide-a-bed loveseat. ALSO I fail to understand why he thought it necessary to carpet my bathroom? Not even indoor-outdoor type carpet like in my first apartment, which was pretty nasty by the time I moved out anyway, but actual normal living-room type carpet. hork.
[note: this has not been edited for coherence although posted the next day]
2 - St. Joe local news, I think. I want to slap this weather guy into 1957.
3 - TryAbCircle.com N K THX
4 - baseball. is this baseball time of year? isn't that done? aren't football and baseball mutually exclusive? sigh.
8 - is this local access? This used to be NWMSU's weird RGB weather type scrolling text channel. All the channels are different and I want to know where 5 and 6 went. 7 was HBO and we never got that.
9 - "We're on television and Facebook!" and you won't find me on either.
10 - This show is called "Praise the Lord." I am trying to imagine who watches Praise the Lord at 11:00pm Central. I picture elderly women in print muumuus sitting on 1970s polyester paisley couches with many cats in a wood-paneled living room decorated with velvet Jesus and Elvis paintings in a 1:1 ratio. To be fair, I'm kind of thinking about my great-grandmother...Wow. Now there's a stagecoach and horses. OMG PONIES so far this is winning; do I get an honorary muumuu?
11 - This appears still to be Kansas City PBS but it's full of singing men in cowboy hats and earrings on a stage with a projection of the White House in the background. Note: TV is on mute.
12 - Gyrating skank-type in spandex and sequins on another stage that looks kind of like the bridge on the original Enterprise. Next.
13 - Race cars. Nascar? This rates second to the ponies to date.
14 - I think this is a movie. Some guy and a lady and her son who is wearing a letter jacket to bed? It looks like there is a mummified pterodactyl hanging from the ceiling. There is a bowl of bananas. I prefer plantains to bananas.
15 - William Shatner is angry and wearing a suit. Sing Lucy in the Sky! Please?!?
16 - A nerdy guy in a business suit and a woman in a really ugly white pantsuit are putting some kind of belt on another man in gym shorts and projecting some kind of thermographic showing increase to core body temperature. OKAY I totally thought this was a sitcom but apparently it really is an infomercial. God Bless America.
17 - Master Prep Quad Blade Food and Drink Maker. QVC currently ranks #1, ponies lose by a nose. whoa, I think that guy just pureed a ham.
19 - Winning-2009.com. Is everything infomercials after 11? sad.
20 - this has commercials on top and like TV guide on the bottom third of the screen? I don't understand. So many things in the world that I do not understand.
23 - apparently ESPN hires a lot of very intent bronze-blonde fortyish women reporters. This is football, not baseball. AAAARRRRGH
24 - this is also football. this can't be live at this hour, can it? it is a Halloween game; the orange team is playing against the black team. Oh, shit, it's Mizzou and they're losing. Come on, guys, try a little harder, I don't care how hard you suck as long as it's less than Nebraska.
25 - All Night Poker. Who thought that was exciting enough to televise?
26 - more sports of some ilk. it makes me angry. a n g r y
27 - Really, truly terrifying GEICO commercial. I refuse ever to have GEICO just because of the commercials.
28 - Still MTV. At least some things are consistent. And they consistently do not play videos. Has radio turned about and killed the video star? I hate to admit that the DVD collection of McCartney videos I got is pretty much uniformly unfortunate.
29 - some boy biking on an obstacle course at night near a giant inflatable Mountain Dew bottle. Has a helmet but no elbow pads, C+
30 - Sorority Wars world premiere. seriously? ngh2wpp3qr279
31 - I think these are the balloon people on CNN. I want to build a balloon and run away in it so I need to lose 100 pounds immediately for it to be feasible. It's good to set achievable goals and what were we talking about again?
32 - A&E. lots of people in police uniforms. Not sure if they are actually supposed to be police. Explosions. Man whose cheekbones are about to pop out of his skull and take over the world.
33 - Team of men in helmets and orange shirts with reflective tape. I would like to take part in an activity that requires such gear one time anyway. They're getting into a helicopter. I'm not very interested in helicopters. They just seem noisy. I would prefer to utilize my helmet and orange reflective shirt to ride a four-wheeler crosscountry in search of a lost ark. One of the men is now wearing what appears to be a pink hula skirt with long, wide strips of grass. I'm kind of curious about this but sense that the answer will only disappoint.
34 - TNT, whatever this is, at least I know it will be trashy. It is a show about men watching sports. FML.
35 - I am unfamiliar with FX. Talking men in business suits again. TV is 40% that, 40% sports, 20% regrettable miscellany. Aren't there supposed to be cartoon channels or something?
36 - DISNEY. if it's not That's so Raven or Lizzie McGuire, DO NOT WANT. Teenaged children on a couch watching a girl with a tiara and a golden dress freak out and hide behind a car on TV. Is this what they call meta?
37 - ooh ooh Nick at Nite....DUDE. THE NANNY? REALLY?
38 - Who actually subscribes to Better Homes and Gardens besides dentists' offices? I mean, seriously.
39 - I approve of the History Channel in theory but this appears to be entirely about baby heads.
40 - The SyFy thing is sooooooo lame that it is a physical pain in my kidney. When did this channel last not suck? 1997?
41 - Adult Swim. This is something else better in theory than in practice. I guess it wins over everything but the Quad Blade thing. I can only watch anime subtitled. I can't even tell if this is real anime or something fake. Neither can I tell what's going on, and I don't care enough to unmute. It's not Space Ghost so autofail.
42 - I think this used to be the last channel. HGTV. A man in an aqua polo shirt is caressing a wall with a truly beatified expression. A woman with a sewing machine is taking him waaaay too seriously. This might be the Extreme Home Makeover guy. I used to watch that while I lay on the floor to do isometric exercises during the Fabulous Broken Hip Incident. Except that I also watched Wife Swap because I only got the one channel and that's probably when I gave up on the world for good. "Surviving a Super Tumor" premieres tomorrow. again, seriously?
43 - The Weather Channel is a runner-up to QVC. It neither thrills nor offends. Montana Tourism Up. Good to know.
44 - TBS. I miss Dinner and a Movie with Paul and Annabelle. This movie is not Spaceballs, so NEXT.
45 - C-Span. Hives commence.
46 - Fox News Hello Goodbye.
47 - The Suze Orman Show. Is that supposed to be pronounced like "Susie"? My gut instinct is to call that adolescent affectation, but that woman looks about 45, so maybe her mom just hated her that much, I don't know, but you can change that kind of thing if you're motivated. She's gesturing wildly, kind of like a chimpanzee. This is almost interpretive dance. I'm oddly entranced.
48 - MSNBC = C-SPAN = horkhorkhork
49 - I don't know who Joy Behar is, but she looks like Laurie Partridge. I think her name was Laurie. My ideal cable lineup would be: The Partridge Family, Mary Tyler Moore, Newhart, shitty moon dub, Muppet Babies, and pre-1990 Sesame Street. You see why this is an exercise in futility. Does anyone else remember Dog City?
50 - oh my God I so do not ever want to hear about Kate Gosselin again, I am so angry that I even recognize her face that I could take an axe to something, anything, possibly this weird little white flatscreen Samsung TV that I really thought was a monitor Spook had left in here when she moved, but no.
51 - ABC Family has finally given me another pony, this one being curried by a woman wearing either a nightgown or a prom dress. She's talking to a very tan older man who reminds me of the Cryptkeeper for reasons I can't quite understand. WOW flashback to 1996.
52 - Food Network. I liked Feasting on Asphalt, both seasons. I haven't seen the waves one yet but am not sure that will work well. I really hate Paula Deen, especially when I'm on the treadmill. They're filling my screen with dead bird so this has to stop.
53 - Sloppy boy in a plaid shirt on Comedy Central. I am 98% sure he would not be funny even if I turned it up. Just a hunch. Boy is going through a phase of listening to streaming standup comedy on his pookie. GUESS WHAT. NONE OF YOU ARE FUNNY except the guy who sang the song about his kitten trying to kill him or eat him or something, and clearly that wasn't funny enough for me to remember it.
54 - The Hallmark Channel. The very name bodes ill. Kids in those little racecar things that get rolled down hills. The little blip in the lower right corner says COUNTDOWN TO HALLOWEEN, but this is so not a Halloween movie unless someone dies in his little racer car and haunts all the others. I was going to watch Are You Afraid of the Dark on YouTube tonight. Specifically the Whispering Walls one, the one with the toy factory and the creepy guy that says, "Hello, I am Leonid," because that's some funny shit right there, and the one with the girl who gets possessed by her deceased equestrienne aunt Dora, because "LET ME OUT 4 3 8" is my motto. (Note: It may be a different yet similar series of three digits but I cannot fact-check because stupid dad stupid wireless key rrrrrgh) I forgot to add that to the ideal show list some lines up.
55 - BAR FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT with an art glass sculpture? a unique sort of garden trowel? I have no idea what that hairy cowboy's got in his hand there.
56 - Navy-type men, presumably on a boat, if boats have ceiling fans inside, but I can't think why you'd have ugly lights on the ceiling like that if they weren't multi-function emergency lights for when the hurricane damages your generators and you're floating lifeless in the middle Atlantic.
57 - Stop-action Dr. Pepper commercial. I shall allow this to continue. Preferably without the scary rabbit.
58 - It's Animal Planet, but all I see are dogs. Montage of dogs. I would like to see some black bears, or maybe a Kodiak bear, or I guess a narwhal. There is this bar in a super ghetto part of St. Joe on the Avenue called The Brown Bear, and they have a big sign with a bear and I'd like to go inside someday just to see what it's like but first I need a concealed weapon permit and also a Bumpit.
59 - whoa SKULL. this is the Travel Channel. but all I see is SKULL.
60 - OUTDOOR. running dogs. They look like Mishie's dad's bird dogs. One was named Lolly and I was terrified of them even though they lived outside in a little pen thing. "Quail and Pheasant Restoration Technologies." I'm going to night school to become a certified quail restoration technologist. You have to pass a test and then work for three years under a quailmaster.
61 - beer and now cars. it's a men's health supplement commercial. if you take this, you can drink more beer and drive your car faster? you are still an a-hole. I wonder if I called the 1-888 number if I'd get Biskit's brother who works in a call center taking orders for that kind of thing. He has some great stories.
62 - wow that man really looks like a pig, maybe I should go to bed. oh god golf why is golf on TV. golf is boring in real space and also on TV. If there is no little windmill, you need to take up curling instead, or RUGBY. REAL MEN PLAY RUGBY.
63 - AMC. wow, this is pre-1985, whatever it is. lots of guns and lots of hair. I still want that Hello Kitty assault rifle.
64 - National Geographic channel. they have that? this show has like a biker gang or something knocking on people's doors and they're all shaking hands. it's New York? I don't like New York, it out-noisies the helicopters; next.
65 - OH OH OH OH OH OH OH IT'S ROSEANNE WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN wait it's on TV LAND WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY I AM NOT OLD ENOUGH FOR THAT TO BE ON TV LAND
66 - I remember TVs with little dials and you could have twelve channels because it went to 13 but didn't have a 1. So far I am still glad I don't have TV at home. I guess I would have three or four channels if I ever bring that digital converter into the house from the trunk of my car.
67 - oh wow Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor. I'm thinking NO.
68 - this is entirely in Spanish, even the Advil commercials. I want one in Bulgarian.
69 - I'm kind of offended that there needs to be a BET but I don't know that I can articulate the reasons.
70 - TruTV. Is this a biography? There is a man in the dark being questioned, and then shots of a bar and flashing lights. I had a TV in my room all through high school. I remember watching Caroline in the City and Friends and Frasier in maybe ninth grade and movies on the phone with Punkin but I don't remember it being this bad? When I was back home in school I would watch Golden Girls upstairs before work sometimes.
71 - this looks like the Soap Channel? Does that exist? This woman in a hospital bed has some really random bandages on her face. I want to live in their world. My name would be Corinne, and I would drive a green Ferrari. The woman I thought was my sister would actually be my grandmother, and my father would be in jail in Sierra Leone. I would be constantly fleeing from ninjas and international spies who are after the mysterious 50-carat topaz pendant I inherited on my 21st birthday.
72 - LMN. lemon? lame-n? who actually wears puffy vest jacket things? I am going to bed and hope I wake up in a parallel dimension.
[note: sadly, I did not]
Saturday, October 17, 2009
the past is a grotesque animal
I really, really, REALLY needed coffee this morning, so I thought I'd drive through the Scooters near the house and get latte, since I abhor the work coffee and have not yet dug out my four-cup (two mug) Hello Kitty coffee maker for the cube. I made it all the way to the parking lot and then had to turn around and leave because even the thought of talking to the little man in the window was much too overwhelming. THEN, since this is of course the ideal thing for me during a phobic phase, tonight I had to sit in an Outback and watch other people eat. Was not very excited about that. HOWEVER, it has come to my attention that I can watch YouTube on my phone if I'm not concerned about clarity of subtitle, so the evening was not a total waste.
Since I have clearly self-destructive tendencies, I signed up for an AGA lunch meeting next week located in a building downtown approximately thirty minutes away from work, because I need to work harder at pretending I give a flying hork at the moooooon about my career. I would join the American Society of Women Accountants to further fluff my resume, but work will only pay for one professional membership, and I already belong to two organizations. "Belong" defined as "pay $$$ dues to and receive irrelevant newsletters from." I cannot yet bring myself to participate actively in any of these. Rooms full of short-haired, suited women who are older than me and don't think I'm very cute or funny yet expect me to eat in front of them just DO NOT APPEAL. I am attending a professional development conference in Bellevue in November, and the idea of it makes me want to vomit. If I could make B or JL go with me, it would be easier, but unfortunately I am supposed to be the big mommy accountant. Whose misguided idea was that? Today the big mommy accountant had to take too many phone calls in a row and subsequently sat in a corner with the stuffed skunk for seven minutes in an ineffective attempt at regrouping.
I'm still waiting for Alexis.
The waitress refilled my diet Coke three times at Outback, yet I am still having a hard time even keeping my eyes open. I had to promise myself all kinds of improbable things to get myself out of bed this morning. At least she didn't try to make me eat toast like the lady at Village Inn once when I was watching Mecha and the boy eat pancakes and bacon. NORLYKTHX
I probably need to buy a coat. I really don't like the fat-girl coat I got last year and need an interim measure until I've slimmed sufficiently for my old pink one, or perhaps a new pink one. Old pink one dates I think winter 2000, but is in fairly good condition except a persistent small spot on the sleeve that is either blood or nail polish and also where Miyu ate some of the fur.
Sometimes I miss Miyu, but I live in terror that I will have to take Miyu back. Neither kitten has ever wet the carpet. Mimi has been known to do so. I am afraid that kittenen would follow the bad example and begin an endless cycle of horror. BUT if Mom were determined to dispose of him, I couldn't let him leave the family, especially since I brought him home in the first place. A thousand years ago.
Four years ago next week was the Fantastic Broken Hip Incident of 2005. I'll tell the story if I get at least three requests, but I'll warn you in advance it's not very inspiring. As a bonus I'll throw in the Broken Leg Miracle of Tax Day 2008. It's a lot funnier now.
Since I have clearly self-destructive tendencies, I signed up for an AGA lunch meeting next week located in a building downtown approximately thirty minutes away from work, because I need to work harder at pretending I give a flying hork at the moooooon about my career. I would join the American Society of Women Accountants to further fluff my resume, but work will only pay for one professional membership, and I already belong to two organizations. "Belong" defined as "pay $$$ dues to and receive irrelevant newsletters from." I cannot yet bring myself to participate actively in any of these. Rooms full of short-haired, suited women who are older than me and don't think I'm very cute or funny yet expect me to eat in front of them just DO NOT APPEAL. I am attending a professional development conference in Bellevue in November, and the idea of it makes me want to vomit. If I could make B or JL go with me, it would be easier, but unfortunately I am supposed to be the big mommy accountant. Whose misguided idea was that? Today the big mommy accountant had to take too many phone calls in a row and subsequently sat in a corner with the stuffed skunk for seven minutes in an ineffective attempt at regrouping.
I'm still waiting for Alexis.
The waitress refilled my diet Coke three times at Outback, yet I am still having a hard time even keeping my eyes open. I had to promise myself all kinds of improbable things to get myself out of bed this morning. At least she didn't try to make me eat toast like the lady at Village Inn once when I was watching Mecha and the boy eat pancakes and bacon. NORLYKTHX
I probably need to buy a coat. I really don't like the fat-girl coat I got last year and need an interim measure until I've slimmed sufficiently for my old pink one, or perhaps a new pink one. Old pink one dates I think winter 2000, but is in fairly good condition except a persistent small spot on the sleeve that is either blood or nail polish and also where Miyu ate some of the fur.
Sometimes I miss Miyu, but I live in terror that I will have to take Miyu back. Neither kitten has ever wet the carpet. Mimi has been known to do so. I am afraid that kittenen would follow the bad example and begin an endless cycle of horror. BUT if Mom were determined to dispose of him, I couldn't let him leave the family, especially since I brought him home in the first place. A thousand years ago.
Four years ago next week was the Fantastic Broken Hip Incident of 2005. I'll tell the story if I get at least three requests, but I'll warn you in advance it's not very inspiring. As a bonus I'll throw in the Broken Leg Miracle of Tax Day 2008. It's a lot funnier now.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
present mirth hath present laughter
Let's just say I spent the weekend remembering to breathe and let it go. I am my own ghost, this indelible imprint of one moment of horror that repeats ad infinitum.
I stayed home today. Went to bed at 8:30 last night and woke up feeling worse. Could have gone in and survived okay but would have spent 7.5 hours staring at my hands. It was sunny out and I wanted to take Electra out on the deck and read clouds for a while, or maybe rake leaves into unlikely patterns. I did leave the house to return my library books and then visit Kroger to bring home apples and marked-down organic romaine heads and marvel at why the world needs bacon Easy Mac. That may be as far as I get today. I only allowed me to stay home with the idea that I'd be working on that 80000-page study guide but, as usual, lied to myself like a crazy lying thing.
I like to think about if I had been an eccentric trust fund brat and my life would be exactly like this, with the little house and my fourteen-year-old car, only I wouldn't have to work and I could enjoy the angle of the light in my living room at ten o'clock every morning and walk walk walk all over town all day long listening to Chiquita and not be such a gourddamned stress muffin because the idea of another fifty years of this is unreal and makes me cry if I can't distract myself with shiny things.
I'm sure no one intended to send me into a(nother) blazing spiral of self-loathing with an off-hand comment. "nothing against, but." I'm afraid to go to bed yet as will just lie there with my face in the pillow again and think blank, empty thoughts. Did you know I'm nothing if I'm not pretty? Absolutely nothing? J can tell me I'm a beautiful girl, and my real mother will agree, and the boy will say anything in the hopeless hope that he will someday find his way into my bed, but they lie, lie, lie to my face. The stars won't lie to me, and neither will they sing.
Diet Squirt is like Fresca's unacknowledged bastard sibling. That's not necessarily bad.
I stayed home today. Went to bed at 8:30 last night and woke up feeling worse. Could have gone in and survived okay but would have spent 7.5 hours staring at my hands. It was sunny out and I wanted to take Electra out on the deck and read clouds for a while, or maybe rake leaves into unlikely patterns. I did leave the house to return my library books and then visit Kroger to bring home apples and marked-down organic romaine heads and marvel at why the world needs bacon Easy Mac. That may be as far as I get today. I only allowed me to stay home with the idea that I'd be working on that 80000-page study guide but, as usual, lied to myself like a crazy lying thing.
I like to think about if I had been an eccentric trust fund brat and my life would be exactly like this, with the little house and my fourteen-year-old car, only I wouldn't have to work and I could enjoy the angle of the light in my living room at ten o'clock every morning and walk walk walk all over town all day long listening to Chiquita and not be such a gourddamned stress muffin because the idea of another fifty years of this is unreal and makes me cry if I can't distract myself with shiny things.
I'm sure no one intended to send me into a(nother) blazing spiral of self-loathing with an off-hand comment. "nothing against, but." I'm afraid to go to bed yet as will just lie there with my face in the pillow again and think blank, empty thoughts. Did you know I'm nothing if I'm not pretty? Absolutely nothing? J can tell me I'm a beautiful girl, and my real mother will agree, and the boy will say anything in the hopeless hope that he will someday find his way into my bed, but they lie, lie, lie to my face. The stars won't lie to me, and neither will they sing.
Diet Squirt is like Fresca's unacknowledged bastard sibling. That's not necessarily bad.
Monday, October 5, 2009
what a dream I had
Today, out of absolutely nowhere, B turned around and asked me how to spell exsanguination. I have decided I like her. J stuck a finger-sized piece of her military retirement cake under my nose, and, it being Monday, I slowly consumed it over half an hour. I pointed out to B that this must mean I like her, as most of my current and former co-workers are pretty damn sure I photosynthesize. She thought that was funnier than I did.
The gold glitter nails always make people ask me if I did them myself. It's kind of weird when men ask; I never expect them to notice.
They have started to implode my bridge without notifying me. K asked if I'd been down to watch. I thought she meant they had taken it all down and was prepared to be EXTREMELY UPSET as had Googled the poot out of it earlier and couldn't find any demolition schedule. I made a reconnaissance mission this evening and determined that they had only done part of the western approach. I need to ask where she read about it so I can find out when they're doing the rest of it and document it with bad digital pictures. I will take off work for this, because it is Important.
Coke Zero is an abomination before all the gods. No. Really.
So I have finished all my library books and am reading something by Anne Rice. I don't think this one has a vampire. I am on page 180 of 1037, and so far, no vampire. I give it back unfinished if there are vampires.
Sometimes I wish I had a large, close extended family with second cousins and third cousins and numerous aunts and uncles and that we lived as a clan in a town small enough that a clan meant something. Where people know by your name who you are. I don't know why I want that. I must secretly want to belong somewhere. To some people. Permanently.
However, top 25 reasons I should not procreate:
Overpopulation is bad for the environment. The Duggars had mine. And yours and yours and yours and yours.
Dora the Explorer. See also: Elmo.
I forget what percentage of women need episiotomies, and what percentage of those subsequently have "permanent fecal incontinence," but I DIDN'T LIKE THE ODDS.
I'd rather put myself back through college and major in something that actually interests me.
They grow up, move away, and never call.
Alternatively, they grow up and live in your basement for the rest of their lives.
OR, they call you twice a day having panic attacks. If this is genetic, I'm a carrier.
My life revolves around ME kthx. Selfish? Don't mind if I do!
Doesn't the cost of raising a child to age eighteen hover around $250,000? That's my retirement!
I can't even afford my own therapy.
The Strawberry Shortcake reboot makes me cry.
I don't need to pass on the Catholic blood guilt.
Neither do I need to pass on the lack of depth perception and lousy bone density.
I'd name her something out of a hippie fairy tale, and she'd grow up to be a stripper.
I can't even discipline two cats.
I would rather have a colonoscopy than a Pap smear. Hands down. OB-GYN? Ha ha, surely you jest.
If I had to give up caffeine for nine months, my co-workers would lie in wait with a coat hanger around week five.
The little shits would swear like fucking sailors. With goddamn Tourette's.
It might be a boy, and I'd have to drown it at birth.
It might be a girl, and I'd hate her for being younger than me.
It might take after me, and God forbid.
It might take after its dad, and I have appalling taste in men.
If I ever get my figure back, I am NOT blowing it on producing a snot factory.
My house is already child-protection-services filthy, sans children.
If I had a baby, I wouldn't BE the baby anymore.
Anyway, Eugenia would disapprove.
The gold glitter nails always make people ask me if I did them myself. It's kind of weird when men ask; I never expect them to notice.
They have started to implode my bridge without notifying me. K asked if I'd been down to watch. I thought she meant they had taken it all down and was prepared to be EXTREMELY UPSET as had Googled the poot out of it earlier and couldn't find any demolition schedule. I made a reconnaissance mission this evening and determined that they had only done part of the western approach. I need to ask where she read about it so I can find out when they're doing the rest of it and document it with bad digital pictures. I will take off work for this, because it is Important.
Coke Zero is an abomination before all the gods. No. Really.
So I have finished all my library books and am reading something by Anne Rice. I don't think this one has a vampire. I am on page 180 of 1037, and so far, no vampire. I give it back unfinished if there are vampires.
Sometimes I wish I had a large, close extended family with second cousins and third cousins and numerous aunts and uncles and that we lived as a clan in a town small enough that a clan meant something. Where people know by your name who you are. I don't know why I want that. I must secretly want to belong somewhere. To some people. Permanently.
However, top 25 reasons I should not procreate:
Overpopulation is bad for the environment. The Duggars had mine. And yours and yours and yours and yours.
Dora the Explorer. See also: Elmo.
I forget what percentage of women need episiotomies, and what percentage of those subsequently have "permanent fecal incontinence," but I DIDN'T LIKE THE ODDS.
I'd rather put myself back through college and major in something that actually interests me.
They grow up, move away, and never call.
Alternatively, they grow up and live in your basement for the rest of their lives.
OR, they call you twice a day having panic attacks. If this is genetic, I'm a carrier.
My life revolves around ME kthx. Selfish? Don't mind if I do!
Doesn't the cost of raising a child to age eighteen hover around $250,000? That's my retirement!
I can't even afford my own therapy.
The Strawberry Shortcake reboot makes me cry.
I don't need to pass on the Catholic blood guilt.
Neither do I need to pass on the lack of depth perception and lousy bone density.
I'd name her something out of a hippie fairy tale, and she'd grow up to be a stripper.
I can't even discipline two cats.
I would rather have a colonoscopy than a Pap smear. Hands down. OB-GYN? Ha ha, surely you jest.
If I had to give up caffeine for nine months, my co-workers would lie in wait with a coat hanger around week five.
The little shits would swear like fucking sailors. With goddamn Tourette's.
It might be a boy, and I'd have to drown it at birth.
It might be a girl, and I'd hate her for being younger than me.
It might take after me, and God forbid.
It might take after its dad, and I have appalling taste in men.
If I ever get my figure back, I am NOT blowing it on producing a snot factory.
My house is already child-protection-services filthy, sans children.
If I had a baby, I wouldn't BE the baby anymore.
Anyway, Eugenia would disapprove.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
to fight your demons and your bloody wars
Today's overwhelming delight was the new head for my toothbrush. I would have been an extremely bad-tempered pioneer.
I am the only person in my immediate family who wasn't allowed an English degree. It would all have been a lot different. Sometimes I get hung up on that; mostly I try to ignore it.
Kitten claws have finally been clipped before she unintentionally destroys all my clothes. I need to learn to do it myself so I don't have to wait for him to do it, but I am terrified of cutting the quick. They both get baths next weekend, because she smells kind of sour to be kissed. Pushkin probably does too, but he doesn't like to be kissed. Likely will have to be trimmed again before Halloween so they don't murder me in the struggle with costumes. I AM SO THAT PERSON.
Eugenia just jumped into my empty wicker laundry hamper.
I practiced the crown braid again today so I don't forget how, even though it's not very flattering for my fat little face right now, and someone called me Princess Leia. That is not my association there, but I guess it would be in the second two movies. And I've been called worse things.
Tomorrow I get to stay home after lunch and wait for the sprinkler man. This week is going to suck - Tuesday is subcommittee, which is going to run late and also painful, with or without the beaver; Wednesday I have to go back to purgatory, reaaaaally hoping the office empties out early because I reaaaaally am not up coping gracefully; Thursday is board night. Friday I will probably need to be an odango head.
I like my house too much. The big room has windows on three sides, and the ceiling is at least twelve feet at the highest point. LIGHT and AIR. I'm just afraid I will burn it down or end up unemployed and unemployable and lose it somehow. But maybe it's my reward for having to live in Omaha. I think I'm supposed to go pick out plants tomorrow. I would rather hide in my room kthx.
This weekend was not productive. I don't even know how I would define productive anymore.
Pushkin sits here and cries at me. He has food and water and a clean box, and he does not want to be loved. But he cries. I deserve this cat, because we are exactly alike.
I am the only person in my immediate family who wasn't allowed an English degree. It would all have been a lot different. Sometimes I get hung up on that; mostly I try to ignore it.
Kitten claws have finally been clipped before she unintentionally destroys all my clothes. I need to learn to do it myself so I don't have to wait for him to do it, but I am terrified of cutting the quick. They both get baths next weekend, because she smells kind of sour to be kissed. Pushkin probably does too, but he doesn't like to be kissed. Likely will have to be trimmed again before Halloween so they don't murder me in the struggle with costumes. I AM SO THAT PERSON.
Eugenia just jumped into my empty wicker laundry hamper.
I practiced the crown braid again today so I don't forget how, even though it's not very flattering for my fat little face right now, and someone called me Princess Leia. That is not my association there, but I guess it would be in the second two movies. And I've been called worse things.
Tomorrow I get to stay home after lunch and wait for the sprinkler man. This week is going to suck - Tuesday is subcommittee, which is going to run late and also painful, with or without the beaver; Wednesday I have to go back to purgatory, reaaaaally hoping the office empties out early because I reaaaaally am not up coping gracefully; Thursday is board night. Friday I will probably need to be an odango head.
I like my house too much. The big room has windows on three sides, and the ceiling is at least twelve feet at the highest point. LIGHT and AIR. I'm just afraid I will burn it down or end up unemployed and unemployable and lose it somehow. But maybe it's my reward for having to live in Omaha. I think I'm supposed to go pick out plants tomorrow. I would rather hide in my room kthx.
This weekend was not productive. I don't even know how I would define productive anymore.
Pushkin sits here and cries at me. He has food and water and a clean box, and he does not want to be loved. But he cries. I deserve this cat, because we are exactly alike.
Friday, September 25, 2009
starkillers
Things in the trunk of my car:
Half a Japanese newspaper
My jacket, boy's jacket
8 quarts of Kendall 10W-30
Flashlight
Digital TV converter JL gave me two months ago
Plastic lid to Pyrex baking dish
Jumper cables
Blanket
Small bag of glitter
LL Bean Snow Tracker boots
Old steering wheel cover (pink)
Deflated tiger floatie
I hate when I sharpen my eyeliner, drop shavings on the floor without noticing, tread on them in bare feet, track dark purple eyeliner smudge all over the light beige carpeting from my bathroom to the kitchen, spend half an hour with Resolve Large Area Cleaning Granules and a toothbrush removing said smudge, then decide to tackle the spots on the stairs while I'm at it, realize the circular motion with the toothbrush will lift ground-in cat hairs that the $900 space vacuum leaves behind, and then spend 1.5 hours on a Friday night cleaning the carpet on my stairs with a toothbrush. I hate that.
People need to stop telling me I need a new car. It's not like she's held together with duct tape (except the fuse door, and you can't see that unless you put your head on the passenger floor) or anything; she doesn't look ghetto. She's got that ding in the front quarter panel, but it's subtle. Maybe they think their cars will catch old car cooties from her. I do not understand people who want a new car every three years, because that is a colossal waste of money. My insurance is $425. A year.
I am suffering severe recession guilt. Not only did I not lose my job, I found a better one that paid more and have had two raises in fifteen months. I put 20% down on my house and have no debt aside from the mortgage. I still have six months' living expenses in savings. I guess my guilt is more FEAR as in, when am I going to get mine? I still like my job. I am safely ensconced in 940 acres of park; that offers countless places to hide if necessary. The only better job I could have would involve fingerpaints and maybe a chemistry set and some Legos. I'm no longer suitable for private sector employment.
My sister tells stories about me to the people she works with, and I think they are all convinced I am ten years old and/or autistic and possibly in a group home. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Half a Japanese newspaper
My jacket, boy's jacket
8 quarts of Kendall 10W-30
Flashlight
Digital TV converter JL gave me two months ago
Plastic lid to Pyrex baking dish
Jumper cables
Blanket
Small bag of glitter
LL Bean Snow Tracker boots
Old steering wheel cover (pink)
Deflated tiger floatie
I hate when I sharpen my eyeliner, drop shavings on the floor without noticing, tread on them in bare feet, track dark purple eyeliner smudge all over the light beige carpeting from my bathroom to the kitchen, spend half an hour with Resolve Large Area Cleaning Granules and a toothbrush removing said smudge, then decide to tackle the spots on the stairs while I'm at it, realize the circular motion with the toothbrush will lift ground-in cat hairs that the $900 space vacuum leaves behind, and then spend 1.5 hours on a Friday night cleaning the carpet on my stairs with a toothbrush. I hate that.
People need to stop telling me I need a new car. It's not like she's held together with duct tape (except the fuse door, and you can't see that unless you put your head on the passenger floor) or anything; she doesn't look ghetto. She's got that ding in the front quarter panel, but it's subtle. Maybe they think their cars will catch old car cooties from her. I do not understand people who want a new car every three years, because that is a colossal waste of money. My insurance is $425. A year.
I am suffering severe recession guilt. Not only did I not lose my job, I found a better one that paid more and have had two raises in fifteen months. I put 20% down on my house and have no debt aside from the mortgage. I still have six months' living expenses in savings. I guess my guilt is more FEAR as in, when am I going to get mine? I still like my job. I am safely ensconced in 940 acres of park; that offers countless places to hide if necessary. The only better job I could have would involve fingerpaints and maybe a chemistry set and some Legos. I'm no longer suitable for private sector employment.
My sister tells stories about me to the people she works with, and I think they are all convinced I am ten years old and/or autistic and possibly in a group home. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I am full of low-level angst for the last couple of weeks. Not sure if it's the impending change of season or what. I downloaded $40 worth of Britney Spears and Lady Gaga dance remixes. SYMPTOMATIC. don't judge.
Also I got Follow That Bird on DVD at Kroger for $10. Of course I cried. Very calmly. I joke about the blunted affect thing, but sometimes it scares me a little. I still remember when anything mattered at all. I don't know if it's part of the normal aging process.
Boy took me to Ponyo this afternoon. I resent the ending. Girls should not have to give up their magic for boys, because the girls will regret it every moment of the rest of their mortal lives, and the boys won't love them as much when they are no longer magic anyway. I realized just now that this is why The Last Unicorn has always been my favorite - she stays a unicorn in the end.
I AM A UNICORN
Other than that...still employed and housed. Still driving Baby, after a recent infusion of $1000 worth of platinum parts and Hello Kitty floor mats. I intend to be buried in that car.
Talked to Mlle Bisquitte for 2.5 hours last Wednesday night. I guess all is forgiven. Bitch.
I'm going home again when the leaves start to turn so Dad can drive me slowly mad. JL had the Nebraska Wild Game Cookbook, circa 1980, on her desk today, so I scanned in and e-mailed him the page with recipes for fried muskrat and raccoon casserole as ideas for Thanksgiving. Recession cuisine?
I will never forget my first Thanksgiving at my old job, when Mark-Mark came into my office with this giant frozen turkey and a big old grin on his face and said, "I hope you're not vegetarian!" I almost wish I'd seen my face. Maybe I'll finally get a Tofurkey this year. Sandy would probably eat it. Those are expensive, though. Last year I ordered vegetarian dinner for four at Whole Foods and picked it up to take home. THAT was expensive, but it could have fed eight easily.
Eugenia takes naps that bend time-space. She yawns, and universes crumble. She is my true child. I have a lovely ladybug costume for her Halloween.
one two three
four five six
seven eight nine
ten eleven twelve
ladybugs came
to the ladybugs' picnic
Also I got Follow That Bird on DVD at Kroger for $10. Of course I cried. Very calmly. I joke about the blunted affect thing, but sometimes it scares me a little. I still remember when anything mattered at all. I don't know if it's part of the normal aging process.
Boy took me to Ponyo this afternoon. I resent the ending. Girls should not have to give up their magic for boys, because the girls will regret it every moment of the rest of their mortal lives, and the boys won't love them as much when they are no longer magic anyway. I realized just now that this is why The Last Unicorn has always been my favorite - she stays a unicorn in the end.
I AM A UNICORN
Other than that...still employed and housed. Still driving Baby, after a recent infusion of $1000 worth of platinum parts and Hello Kitty floor mats. I intend to be buried in that car.
Talked to Mlle Bisquitte for 2.5 hours last Wednesday night. I guess all is forgiven. Bitch.
I'm going home again when the leaves start to turn so Dad can drive me slowly mad. JL had the Nebraska Wild Game Cookbook, circa 1980, on her desk today, so I scanned in and e-mailed him the page with recipes for fried muskrat and raccoon casserole as ideas for Thanksgiving. Recession cuisine?
I will never forget my first Thanksgiving at my old job, when Mark-Mark came into my office with this giant frozen turkey and a big old grin on his face and said, "I hope you're not vegetarian!" I almost wish I'd seen my face. Maybe I'll finally get a Tofurkey this year. Sandy would probably eat it. Those are expensive, though. Last year I ordered vegetarian dinner for four at Whole Foods and picked it up to take home. THAT was expensive, but it could have fed eight easily.
Eugenia takes naps that bend time-space. She yawns, and universes crumble. She is my true child. I have a lovely ladybug costume for her Halloween.
one two three
four five six
seven eight nine
ten eleven twelve
ladybugs came
to the ladybugs' picnic
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Indeed.
(19:24:27) Cronrus: Ordinarily I would seethe and rage at women self-identifying themselves as the stereotypical "princess," but you I can make an exception.
(19:25:58) kitsplut: Now, see, Disney has screwed the whole thing up.
(19:26:35) kitsplut: Being the Princess means you have to be absolutely kind and polite to everyone and perky all of the time even when you want to bite heads off and you have to sacrifice yourself to save the world should the situation call for it.
(19:27:13) kitsplut: You have to let other people take the good parking spaces and hold doors for people with packages and in general live up to the supreme responsibility of your birth.
(19:27:41) kitsplut: In exchange, you get long shiny hair and nails and are able to explode things with your mind.
(19:27:57) Cronrus: Hah hah hah my how things have gone awry
(19:25:58) kitsplut: Now, see, Disney has screwed the whole thing up.
(19:26:35) kitsplut: Being the Princess means you have to be absolutely kind and polite to everyone and perky all of the time even when you want to bite heads off and you have to sacrifice yourself to save the world should the situation call for it.
(19:27:13) kitsplut: You have to let other people take the good parking spaces and hold doors for people with packages and in general live up to the supreme responsibility of your birth.
(19:27:41) kitsplut: In exchange, you get long shiny hair and nails and are able to explode things with your mind.
(19:27:57) Cronrus: Hah hah hah my how things have gone awry
Thursday, August 6, 2009
open into infinity
I always have a million things to say until I actually sit down to post, and then it all falls apart.
As those of you unfortunate enough to follow me on Twitter no doubt gathered, I went home for the weekend because it was Dad's birthday. I loooove that car and I loooove letting him drive me around on gravel roads with forty-five degree hills and grass growing down the middle, but there's always this little nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me if he rolls it we're dead. I need to get that GPS service activated on my phone so at least Mom can tell them where to find the bodies.
Punkin: I keep thinking about the squid thing and all I come up with is tentacle rape. really?
If I were going to have children, I would name them Serenity Sapphire and Amethyst Aurora, because they would end up hating me anyway, so I should at least enjoy it. Mom wanted to name me Amethyst, but Dad wouldn't let her. Alarmingly, I had a whole slew of clients who kept calling me Amy. To the best of my knowledge, Bertha never had an accountant named Amy. Maybe that's the dead triplet's name, although I really think her name is a series of unpronounceable symbols.
I sing a lot when I'm feeling like someone forgot to connect the dots. Quite often in the car, and also at Luka if no one else is home. In particular this one. I suddenly found myself trying to explain Alexis to JL today without mentioning the Sailorkitty thing, because there just need to be boundaries. Even if she got to watch me blow steam out my nose and chant SHIT SHIT SHIT during the last two minutes of the grail auction. Even if she puts fake rats in my desk drawers and fake animal droppings under my chair. I do not want to be feared by my employees, but sometimes I wonder if it's fun.
The lower-level ladies' room at work has an automatic air freshener. I frequently go down there because no women work downstairs, and I am such a high-level lady that I can't stand people listening to me tinkle. Since it's basically my own personal bathroom, the door doesn't open that often, and the air freshener can get pretty strong. It is just PAINFULLY evocative of something, and I FINALLY TODAY identified it as Biskit's faux-Play-Doh Flower Makin' Basket. IT SMELLS EXACTLY LIKE THAT. EXACTLY.
I need to revive Lime Girls, or someone needs to do a tribute album, or something. Seriously.
As those of you unfortunate enough to follow me on Twitter no doubt gathered, I went home for the weekend because it was Dad's birthday. I loooove that car and I loooove letting him drive me around on gravel roads with forty-five degree hills and grass growing down the middle, but there's always this little nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me if he rolls it we're dead. I need to get that GPS service activated on my phone so at least Mom can tell them where to find the bodies.
Punkin: I keep thinking about the squid thing and all I come up with is tentacle rape. really?
If I were going to have children, I would name them Serenity Sapphire and Amethyst Aurora, because they would end up hating me anyway, so I should at least enjoy it. Mom wanted to name me Amethyst, but Dad wouldn't let her. Alarmingly, I had a whole slew of clients who kept calling me Amy. To the best of my knowledge, Bertha never had an accountant named Amy. Maybe that's the dead triplet's name, although I really think her name is a series of unpronounceable symbols.
I sing a lot when I'm feeling like someone forgot to connect the dots. Quite often in the car, and also at Luka if no one else is home. In particular this one. I suddenly found myself trying to explain Alexis to JL today without mentioning the Sailorkitty thing, because there just need to be boundaries. Even if she got to watch me blow steam out my nose and chant SHIT SHIT SHIT during the last two minutes of the grail auction. Even if she puts fake rats in my desk drawers and fake animal droppings under my chair. I do not want to be feared by my employees, but sometimes I wonder if it's fun.
The lower-level ladies' room at work has an automatic air freshener. I frequently go down there because no women work downstairs, and I am such a high-level lady that I can't stand people listening to me tinkle. Since it's basically my own personal bathroom, the door doesn't open that often, and the air freshener can get pretty strong. It is just PAINFULLY evocative of something, and I FINALLY TODAY identified it as Biskit's faux-Play-Doh Flower Makin' Basket. IT SMELLS EXACTLY LIKE THAT. EXACTLY.
I need to revive Lime Girls, or someone needs to do a tribute album, or something. Seriously.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Tsukini kawatte oshioki yo
I had given away some of my Sailormoon stuff before I moved up here. I cannot imagine I got rid of the crescent wand and locket but they are nowhere to be found. Spook gave me her crescent, but I'll need to replace it - she didn't take very good care of it, so it tinged orange and is pretty scratched up. But I only need the Eternal Tier and I'll have all five of the moon sticks. AND I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THE GRAIL OMG. That was a super waste of $150, but I'd never seen it go for less than $300. I guess this is why I keep the second, part-time job, so I can waste some money and not lose too much sleep over it. I could auction it all back off in a few years for twice what I paid now anyway, right? I bought the R wand at Suncoast in 2000, and I could easily get three times what it cost.
I don't miss the little dolls; they were ugly anyway. And I kept Serenity because I'm like that.
I just never thought I'd be unhappy enough to need this again.
I don't miss the little dolls; they were ugly anyway. And I kept Serenity because I'm like that.
I just never thought I'd be unhappy enough to need this again.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
she's a lot like you
Mom brought my grandma and the highest-functioning crazy aunt to visit today, but they didn't stay very long. I have nothing interesting from Netflix and am not motivated to go sign up for a Blockbuster card. Neither am I optimistic that Blockbuster would have adequate inventory. I guess I could watch Hard Day's Night DVD that is still in its shrinkwrap two months later. Or I need to finish PGSM. I could be done by midnight. OR...I could watch Darby O'Gill and the Little People on streaming Netflix. HMMMMM.
Pictures of home, exclusive of second bedroom, bath, and kitchen, because filth. He finally hung my mirrors, and sometimes I lean against the long one and hope to fall through to where I was born, but it came from my dead grandmother's house, and I think it has hardened with age and will never transport me again.
Pushkin makes squeezy eyes at Back to the Egg. He poses as the Buddha in the center of my floor, and we can breathe the same air
Pictures of home, exclusive of second bedroom, bath, and kitchen, because filth. He finally hung my mirrors, and sometimes I lean against the long one and hope to fall through to where I was born, but it came from my dead grandmother's house, and I think it has hardened with age and will never transport me again.
Pushkin makes squeezy eyes at Back to the Egg. He poses as the Buddha in the center of my floor, and we can breathe the same air
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
and I still believe that I cannot be saved
wow. I totally blew this off for a month again.
Spent $$$ on plants. They have not died yet, but the African violet refuses to make any new flowers. I bought it some magic food, but it may need fairy dust.
I went back to the crazy lady doctor today, and I do not have any stupid metabolic diseases, my bones are growing back (except in my left forearm? wtf?) so I can have a bicycle and probably not wind up in surgery, but my blood calcium and D are low again, and I'm supposed to sit in the sun for fifteen minutes a day until I go back in two years. The actual report from the radiologist said the bone density in the spine may have been overstated due to "possible degenerative changes to L-2, L-3, and, to a lesser extent L-4," which I have no way of translating to English. "Degenerative" tends to be BAD, but she didn't bring it up, so I'm just going to trot along my merry way and not think about it.
la la la I'm going to be in a wheelchair when I'm 45
I want to get one of those things that will hang me upside down for an hour at a time. I think it would improve my outlook on all things immensely.
so I'm going to start taking BoneUp, too, which will bring my monthly supplement expenditures to approx $100. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN.
I will probably start studying up for the GMAT soon and take it just to see what I get. The scores are good for five years, and if I don't at least start by the time they expire I probably never will. I also want to get the CGFM (certified governmental financial manager) so have to decide which to do first. That's just another stupid exam + lots of money. I miss school because it's the only thing I'm good at.
I have the last ten episodes of PGSM to watch, but the bay appears to have dried up. I now own all 200 episodes of the anime subtitled + movies on DVD. This can't be good in the long run.
This is all the world really needs.
My sweet child has laid her pretend kill at my feet.
HAPPY PAUL MCCARTNEY'S BIRTHDAY EVE.
love,
Starfighter Tigerlily
Empress of the Perseus Arm
Spent $$$ on plants. They have not died yet, but the African violet refuses to make any new flowers. I bought it some magic food, but it may need fairy dust.
I went back to the crazy lady doctor today, and I do not have any stupid metabolic diseases, my bones are growing back (except in my left forearm? wtf?) so I can have a bicycle and probably not wind up in surgery, but my blood calcium and D are low again, and I'm supposed to sit in the sun for fifteen minutes a day until I go back in two years. The actual report from the radiologist said the bone density in the spine may have been overstated due to "possible degenerative changes to L-2, L-3, and, to a lesser extent L-4," which I have no way of translating to English. "Degenerative" tends to be BAD, but she didn't bring it up, so I'm just going to trot along my merry way and not think about it.
la la la I'm going to be in a wheelchair when I'm 45
I want to get one of those things that will hang me upside down for an hour at a time. I think it would improve my outlook on all things immensely.
so I'm going to start taking BoneUp, too, which will bring my monthly supplement expenditures to approx $100. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN.
I will probably start studying up for the GMAT soon and take it just to see what I get. The scores are good for five years, and if I don't at least start by the time they expire I probably never will. I also want to get the CGFM (certified governmental financial manager) so have to decide which to do first. That's just another stupid exam + lots of money. I miss school because it's the only thing I'm good at.
I have the last ten episodes of PGSM to watch, but the bay appears to have dried up. I now own all 200 episodes of the anime subtitled + movies on DVD. This can't be good in the long run.
This is all the world really needs.
My sweet child has laid her pretend kill at my feet.
HAPPY PAUL MCCARTNEY'S BIRTHDAY EVE.
love,
Starfighter Tigerlily
Empress of the Perseus Arm
Monday, May 11, 2009
twenty three magic
I think what bothers me the most is that there's really nowhere I can go when I'm upset, no one in the world I can call and subject to my award-winning run-on thoughts without feeling like a super-intrusive burden. I'm just going to have to invent an imaginary friend, or write an AI, and doesn't that make me crazy?
Finally saw an endocrinologist today to arrange the follow-up bone scan I should have had two and a half years ago. Was treated to the OMG YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS act AGAIN (but this time in a beautiful Polish accent) so will have to pee in jugs for 24 hours AGAIN and gave them ten vials of blood AGAIN. Then I had to tell her exactly how much weight I have gained in two years, and she freaked out and wants to have me tested for a hundred improbable disorders and I can never get through to them that YES, I CAN IN FACT JUST HAVE EATEN THAT MUCH, I AM VERY DETERMINED SOMETIMES. Then I had to go to other-job so they could take the rest of my blood, and I had a splitting headache BEFORE that. I saw Richie who usually makes me calm and peaceful, but it did not work and I just wanted to go to Target and buy twenty dollars' worth of dishes and go outside and break them. And then I saw the other one, who makes me very stupid and also want to stab myself in the face, and suddenly I understood why girls cut themselves.
I drove west on the interstate for a while because I didn't want to go home. The angel-cat-owl-Kowl Cymbeline rode on the floor, and I dipped fingers of glitter out of the candle-well and let it blow back out the window.
Finally saw an endocrinologist today to arrange the follow-up bone scan I should have had two and a half years ago. Was treated to the OMG YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS act AGAIN (but this time in a beautiful Polish accent) so will have to pee in jugs for 24 hours AGAIN and gave them ten vials of blood AGAIN. Then I had to tell her exactly how much weight I have gained in two years, and she freaked out and wants to have me tested for a hundred improbable disorders and I can never get through to them that YES, I CAN IN FACT JUST HAVE EATEN THAT MUCH, I AM VERY DETERMINED SOMETIMES. Then I had to go to other-job so they could take the rest of my blood, and I had a splitting headache BEFORE that. I saw Richie who usually makes me calm and peaceful, but it did not work and I just wanted to go to Target and buy twenty dollars' worth of dishes and go outside and break them. And then I saw the other one, who makes me very stupid and also want to stab myself in the face, and suddenly I understood why girls cut themselves.
I drove west on the interstate for a while because I didn't want to go home. The angel-cat-owl-Kowl Cymbeline rode on the floor, and I dipped fingers of glitter out of the candle-well and let it blow back out the window.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
I picture empty skies in my dreams
Today I made amazing progress in cleaning downstairs; now it looks like somewhere I might want to live. This was fabulous except when I realized the box with the old PS2 keyboards and mice and spare power cables was now on the bottom of the pile in the closet under the stairs. WHICH I NEEDED to resurrect Ada and then blow my eardrums out converting tape to mp3, because I cannot let well enough alone.
I just permitted boy to squirt things up my nose, so I can breathe for the next thirty minutes. I should use this opportunity to go to bed, but that is not likely.
Alexis sleeps quietly in his blanket in the box of peaches. I have no bacta tank or healing crystal for his mortal wounds so have sewn him up the best I can and must let time work a miracle. We will wake him when we are ready. I lie on the floor next to the windows and listen to the sky.
I just permitted boy to squirt things up my nose, so I can breathe for the next thirty minutes. I should use this opportunity to go to bed, but that is not likely.
Alexis sleeps quietly in his blanket in the box of peaches. I have no bacta tank or healing crystal for his mortal wounds so have sewn him up the best I can and must let time work a miracle. We will wake him when we are ready. I lie on the floor next to the windows and listen to the sky.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Merricat said Connie
DISCLAIMER: I am currently on three different allergy and/or cold medicines, because none of them are working.
The black squirrel has not come back; I may post LOST signs around the neighborhood. I hear they are abundant in Council Bluffs and will venture across the river with a bag of small traps. The cardinal is a frequent visitor, though, so surely he will spread the word.
I attempted a French manicure and have decided that it would only be worthwhile to do in purple and black. If I wanted my nails to be pink with white tips, I would not be painting them in the first place kthx.
The wind is very noisy in the trees tonight. Usually that would mean I would be soothed and sleeping, but OMG snot. There is also the sound of men laughing outside. That sound frequently makes me panic and run run run. I will assign a squirrel to each corner of the yard.
Oh, so angry, all the time, I think if anyone knew just how angry they would back away from me slowly until they fell over backwards into the ocean. I tend to leave a trail of flaming carnage in my wake Princess Sailor me but I am a unicorn, and unicorns do not regret.
I did not turn into a pumpkin*. I did not even turn into a peach. I may resort to watercolors.
The black squirrel has not come back; I may post LOST signs around the neighborhood. I hear they are abundant in Council Bluffs and will venture across the river with a bag of small traps. The cardinal is a frequent visitor, though, so surely he will spread the word.
I attempted a French manicure and have decided that it would only be worthwhile to do in purple and black. If I wanted my nails to be pink with white tips, I would not be painting them in the first place kthx.
The wind is very noisy in the trees tonight. Usually that would mean I would be soothed and sleeping, but OMG snot. There is also the sound of men laughing outside. That sound frequently makes me panic and run run run. I will assign a squirrel to each corner of the yard.
Oh, so angry, all the time, I think if anyone knew just how angry they would back away from me slowly until they fell over backwards into the ocean. I tend to leave a trail of flaming carnage in my wake Princess Sailor me but I am a unicorn, and unicorns do not regret.
I did not turn into a pumpkin*. I did not even turn into a peach. I may resort to watercolors.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE
I have purchased Neutrogena MicroMist faux tanning object, with intent. I think I will practice on legs to make sure it doesn't turn me into a pumpkin before I try my face. I am heartbroken that the Agent Orange I used to use has been discontinued, since my application met with Bertha Parker's approval and therefore must have been without fault.
Today has been an anti-day, because I was supposed to work, but she called and canceled at 8:20 this morning. So I was all worked up and had no chance to express it safely and harmlessly. Boy has several new scars.
THERE IS A BLACK SQUIRREL THAT VISITS MY YARD; this is the ideal and certain sign of good fortune for my future, present, and past endeavors. I intend to supply it with ample corn and peanuts and blood sacrifices. Mother told me that cardinals eat black sunflower seeds, so I must also put those out, as cardinals carry the spirit of my dead grandfather. I know they are near, for I have heard them.
The trees in back have been tentatively identified as some variety of ash. I will have to think about this.
I was given a pass to Warren Buffett's annual big shareholder party, but large mobs of people inspire terror and I might drop my tail, so I am keeping it as a souvenir instead. I could theoretically have saved $$$ on jewelry, but I doubt it would have been to my taste. tiger eye tiger eye tiger eye
I have discovered TAB at Kroger. OH NOES WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN
Today has been an anti-day, because I was supposed to work, but she called and canceled at 8:20 this morning. So I was all worked up and had no chance to express it safely and harmlessly. Boy has several new scars.
THERE IS A BLACK SQUIRREL THAT VISITS MY YARD; this is the ideal and certain sign of good fortune for my future, present, and past endeavors. I intend to supply it with ample corn and peanuts and blood sacrifices. Mother told me that cardinals eat black sunflower seeds, so I must also put those out, as cardinals carry the spirit of my dead grandfather. I know they are near, for I have heard them.
The trees in back have been tentatively identified as some variety of ash. I will have to think about this.
I was given a pass to Warren Buffett's annual big shareholder party, but large mobs of people inspire terror and I might drop my tail, so I am keeping it as a souvenir instead. I could theoretically have saved $$$ on jewelry, but I doubt it would have been to my taste. tiger eye tiger eye tiger eye
I have discovered TAB at Kroger. OH NOES WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN
Thursday, April 30, 2009
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
Saturday was the rain date for Earth Day Omaha, so JL and I went to Elmwood Park and sat in the misty drizzle from two to four, handing out white pine seedlings. I have a huge tray of purple coneflower seeds in my car still if anyone is interested.
Poor JL. She loves me even though I'm not always socially acceptable; she told me my hair is the color of tiger eye without any prompting at all. I told her and my other minion this morning about the time when Punkin and I were sharing a dorm room and got this little snowglobe kit. We stayed up until three in the morning making snowglobes full of glitter and tiny plastic farm animals and baby doll parts. Dismembered floating hands and feet. Then I had to tell about the abandoned barn near my grandma's house that was full of mannequin hands and feet, so there would be some context for the snowglobes. I still want a fishbowl full of Barbie heads, but I think I stole that from a movie.
There was also the time we took turns wearing her lavender pageboy wig and danced all over for the webcam. I really miss back when the Internet was for geeks and not tainted by the common people. I miss MS-DOS.
YES HELLO I HAVE ISSUES
I somehow have drowned my hard drive down to one gig remaining. Am going install a ONE TERABYTE drive. I am quite threatened by this actually and am trying to remember if I was terrified of my first gigabyte.
The tree in the front yard is definitely maple. I'm still not sure about the two in back. There is some kind of apple tree across the street whose blossoms I covet. I can't decide if I would want to be that kind of tree, or birch, or willow. I have eaten of the golden apples of the sun, and now no mortal man may hold me.
Poor JL. She loves me even though I'm not always socially acceptable; she told me my hair is the color of tiger eye without any prompting at all. I told her and my other minion this morning about the time when Punkin and I were sharing a dorm room and got this little snowglobe kit. We stayed up until three in the morning making snowglobes full of glitter and tiny plastic farm animals and baby doll parts. Dismembered floating hands and feet. Then I had to tell about the abandoned barn near my grandma's house that was full of mannequin hands and feet, so there would be some context for the snowglobes. I still want a fishbowl full of Barbie heads, but I think I stole that from a movie.
There was also the time we took turns wearing her lavender pageboy wig and danced all over for the webcam. I really miss back when the Internet was for geeks and not tainted by the common people. I miss MS-DOS.
YES HELLO I HAVE ISSUES
I somehow have drowned my hard drive down to one gig remaining. Am going install a ONE TERABYTE drive. I am quite threatened by this actually and am trying to remember if I was terrified of my first gigabyte.
The tree in the front yard is definitely maple. I'm still not sure about the two in back. There is some kind of apple tree across the street whose blossoms I covet. I can't decide if I would want to be that kind of tree, or birch, or willow. I have eaten of the golden apples of the sun, and now no mortal man may hold me.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Dream about the sun, you Queen of Rain
This was the day that would not end. I spent the last 45m at work with my cute little coloring book and 8 pack Crayola that J gave me before subcommittee last week. I could have gone out the bathroom window at three and JL would just have thought it was CUTE but I am NOT going to be that person. Until I've been there at least five years.
The anime I liked that wasn't Sailormoon has recently released a fourth season, TEN YEARS LATER, after I thought everyone was over it but me, just because I have absolutely no brainspace left for fangirl. Even though now in these modern times we have the YouTubes which facilitates series acquisition prior to American release. Even though it's raw and not subbed. BUT I LIKE IT RAW.
OTHER REASONS I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON: My dad e-mailed me that the grocery store greeting-person informed him that Spook's and my first-grade teacher recently died of a sudden brain aneurysm. And I snickered. She had this odd husband that was about four feet tall and wrote very serious poems about license plates that he would then read to small children. He must have hit up every elementary school in town, because Biskit went to the Catholic school but remembers this too. I have tried desperately to find this on the Internet anywhere, but apparently the world has been spared. I actually saw them both probably three years ago - they turned out to be tax clients. Still scary twenty years later.
There is a magical pagoda house north of town, out east close to the river (hello river) where it looks more like the world and less like Nebraska, that some needlessly rich yuppie type had designed and built and now cannot sell to save his life, because no one here knows enough to recognize its power of awesome. I think I should steal it and name the Chinese lions at the end of the driveway Gog and Magog and make it my beautiful castle. I already dreamed about it once, and also flying. If I dream about it three times, it's mine.
The anime I liked that wasn't Sailormoon has recently released a fourth season, TEN YEARS LATER, after I thought everyone was over it but me, just because I have absolutely no brainspace left for fangirl. Even though now in these modern times we have the YouTubes which facilitates series acquisition prior to American release. Even though it's raw and not subbed. BUT I LIKE IT RAW.
OTHER REASONS I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON: My dad e-mailed me that the grocery store greeting-person informed him that Spook's and my first-grade teacher recently died of a sudden brain aneurysm. And I snickered. She had this odd husband that was about four feet tall and wrote very serious poems about license plates that he would then read to small children. He must have hit up every elementary school in town, because Biskit went to the Catholic school but remembers this too. I have tried desperately to find this on the Internet anywhere, but apparently the world has been spared. I actually saw them both probably three years ago - they turned out to be tax clients. Still scary twenty years later.
There is a magical pagoda house north of town, out east close to the river (hello river) where it looks more like the world and less like Nebraska, that some needlessly rich yuppie type had designed and built and now cannot sell to save his life, because no one here knows enough to recognize its power of awesome. I think I should steal it and name the Chinese lions at the end of the driveway Gog and Magog and make it my beautiful castle. I already dreamed about it once, and also flying. If I dream about it three times, it's mine.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
go to NEXT and then again
I keep not updating this because nothing happens. I go to work and sometimes do some work and sometimes lie facedown in a puddle of drool, and then sometimes I walk four miles around the lake, and then I come home more or less reluctantly, and sometimes I make the boy drive me into Iowa over my pet bridge that they are going to implode soon, and then I stay up too late playing on the pookie and then sometimes I sleep and sometimes I don't and then I get up, lather rinse repeat.
I wore odango hair on Friday because it was the day after the board meeting and no one pays attention because everyone has a headache. I think I will do that more often if I can get away with it. Jim noticed and told me he liked my bunny ears. I'm like...they're not...well...kind of...I guess. Usagi yo. He brought me hot pink shoelaces with shiny bits, so I will forgive him.
My nails are also an extremely uncharacteristic bright pink. Once in a while is okay.
8/22/2000: "Ebay is a bad, bad, bad thing, worse than student charge, and I need my account revoked before I hurt myself. I also need to be beaten with chopsticks until I quit fixating on anime boys WHO WOULD THINK I WAS TOO LAME TO SLEEP WITH EVEN IF THEY WERE REAL. " It's nice to know that some pieces of me are actually still the same person as that long ago because sometimes I think each individual cell has been replaced and the sum of the parts is maybe 29 instead of 23, just off enough that it won't quite compile. It is, however, too bad that I retained all the most unfortunate pieces.
I wore odango hair on Friday because it was the day after the board meeting and no one pays attention because everyone has a headache. I think I will do that more often if I can get away with it. Jim noticed and told me he liked my bunny ears. I'm like...they're not...well...kind of...I guess. Usagi yo. He brought me hot pink shoelaces with shiny bits, so I will forgive him.
My nails are also an extremely uncharacteristic bright pink. Once in a while is okay.
8/22/2000: "Ebay is a bad, bad, bad thing, worse than student charge, and I need my account revoked before I hurt myself. I also need to be beaten with chopsticks until I quit fixating on anime boys WHO WOULD THINK I WAS TOO LAME TO SLEEP WITH EVEN IF THEY WERE REAL. " It's nice to know that some pieces of me are actually still the same person as that long ago because sometimes I think each individual cell has been replaced and the sum of the parts is maybe 29 instead of 23, just off enough that it won't quite compile. It is, however, too bad that I retained all the most unfortunate pieces.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
chez Coralie
Here are (way too many)(oversized) pictures of my poor little (half) house before we trashed it:
http://img.4cham.net/p/Houses/House%20the%20First/
The first few are really big because I just got my camera and didn't realize it was set so high.
Long-term goal is buy the other side when it comes up next and either put my mom in it (because I think it's going to come to that) or rent it out. I figured we can get this one paid off in eleven years if nothing unfortunate happens. and save $80k in interest, even at 4.8%. I don't understand why some people think you shouldn't prepay a mortgage because of the tax deduction. maybe you recoup, like, 25% of it that way depending on your bracket, but I'd rather NOT PAY IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
http://img.4cham.net/p/Houses/House%20t
The first few are really big because I just got my camera and didn't realize it was set so high.
Long-term goal is buy the other side when it comes up next and either put my mom in it (because I think it's going to come to that) or rent it out. I figured we can get this one paid off in eleven years if nothing unfortunate happens. and save $80k in interest, even at 4.8%. I don't understand why some people think you shouldn't prepay a mortgage because of the tax deduction. maybe you recoup, like, 25% of it that way depending on your bracket, but I'd rather NOT PAY IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
night of the hummingbirds
I got up an hour ago, and my hair is still all poking up out of the night braid. That means it's Saturday. Diet Coke + two Excedrin = Breakfast of Champions.
I sleep on my side, and Eugenia will drape herself over my hip and purr until I wake up. Pushkin is following me around and squeaking. He is currently hemorrhaging on the floor because I won't get down there and rub his tummy. For the fifth time. In an hour.
I should try to clean up downstairs today, but it is hell, and I am lazy. My room is almost done, and the living room is okay, and now I'm not motivated. If it were sunny, I would go walk around the lake, but it is not, and I am lazy. I should probably call my (one girl) friend and see if she's alive and wants to do anything, because she is lonely and her husband is an asshole, but I am a horrible, horrible person and ALSO I AM LAZY. I had a great conversation with Spook Thursday night about how dealing with people all day long at our big-girl jobs takes everything we've got and leaves absolutely nothing left over for social interaction. I guess it's genetic.
Today I will boot up Ada and get the files off it that I didn't do two years ago when Lucretia came. There's a 60-40 chance this will only upset me. I have to drag up one of the old monitors from the garage because all we have up here are the weird new connectors. I just lost all my geek cred because I don't remember what they're called.
I sleep on my side, and Eugenia will drape herself over my hip and purr until I wake up. Pushkin is following me around and squeaking. He is currently hemorrhaging on the floor because I won't get down there and rub his tummy. For the fifth time. In an hour.
I should try to clean up downstairs today, but it is hell, and I am lazy. My room is almost done, and the living room is okay, and now I'm not motivated. If it were sunny, I would go walk around the lake, but it is not, and I am lazy. I should probably call my (one girl) friend and see if she's alive and wants to do anything, because she is lonely and her husband is an asshole, but I am a horrible, horrible person and ALSO I AM LAZY. I had a great conversation with Spook Thursday night about how dealing with people all day long at our big-girl jobs takes everything we've got and leaves absolutely nothing left over for social interaction. I guess it's genetic.
Today I will boot up Ada and get the files off it that I didn't do two years ago when Lucretia came. There's a 60-40 chance this will only upset me. I have to drag up one of the old monitors from the garage because all we have up here are the weird new connectors. I just lost all my geek cred because I don't remember what they're called.
CAN HAS
(10:35:54) kitsplut: http://www.gadgetreviewblog.com/2007/09/23/hello-kitty-epson-laptop-computer/
(10:37:00) Cronrus: I think I threw up a little when I saw the freaking casing was pink.
(10:37:17) kitsplut: HEE HEE HEE HEE
(10:37:00) Cronrus: I think I threw up a little when I saw the freaking casing was pink.
(10:37:17) kitsplut: HEE HEE HEE HEE
Sunday, March 22, 2009
niji no you ni
WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT ME TO PAINT MY WALLS. They think it needs "color." Girls with chronic blunted affect like eggshell white; it requires very little of me on a daily basis.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
what recession
I just bought a $40 wastebasket for my new bathroom.
I don't know if it makes it any better that I also spent $$$$$ for low-flow showerheads and many, many CFL light bulbs.
I don't know if it makes it any better that I also spent $$$$$ for low-flow showerheads and many, many CFL light bulbs.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
down to the river and float on home
P.S. I love you I did not put my cat in a bong. I hate Nebraska.
hello kitty has no mouth
Dear new neighbors,
I did not hide from the doorbell because you are black. I hid from the doorbell because ever since I was old enough to be left alone I have refused to answer the door if no one else is home and will lock myself behind as many doors as possible and put my face in a corner until the invaders have retreated. I think you saw me peeking out of my bedroom window as you walked back to your house and hope that you don't hate me like I hate our mutual neighbor who didn't offer to let me use her snowblower when I was shoveling seven inches of snow out of my driveway without gloves on Saturday for the movers. I really do appreciate your effort to inform me that the garage door was up and will leave flowers on your doorstep or bury tiger eye under your mailbox or express my feeling in some other semiautistic fashion as I am wont.
Sincerely,
Tiny Damaged Notion in 3148
I did not hide from the doorbell because you are black. I hid from the doorbell because ever since I was old enough to be left alone I have refused to answer the door if no one else is home and will lock myself behind as many doors as possible and put my face in a corner until the invaders have retreated. I think you saw me peeking out of my bedroom window as you walked back to your house and hope that you don't hate me like I hate our mutual neighbor who didn't offer to let me use her snowblower when I was shoveling seven inches of snow out of my driveway without gloves on Saturday for the movers. I really do appreciate your effort to inform me that the garage door was up and will leave flowers on your doorstep or bury tiger eye under your mailbox or express my feeling in some other semiautistic fashion as I am wont.
Sincerely,
Tiny Damaged Notion in 3148
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