Apparently my sister has attracted some little boy into following her around, and she asked my mom how to get rid of it (answer: hammer, tongs, heavy gloves). Spook just needs to have me call him so that I can explain the crazy and why it's best not to get involved. I told Mom this, and she said that he probably doesn't want anything to do with the family and just wants to sleep with her. I said I KNOW, BUT WE ARE TOO CRAZY EVEN FOR THAT. She gave birth to us; she of all people should grok that. WE ARE THE KIND OF CRAZY YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH EVEN IN PASSING. I can give you REFERENCES.
I'm serious about Cervidae's Bane. I wish I didn't have this little world in my head, because it's hard to ignore it in favor of the external side.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
try explaining it to the Capellan overlords
So I am home. I brought Electra, but Dad has no idea what his WPA key is, and I am too tired to get in the router and change it tonight. My plans for watching cartoons on Netflix are THWARTED.
HOWEVER, there is cable TV here. I have not had cable TV since I moved out. I am sleeping out in the sunroom, which was Mom's bedroom, because my old room has been repainted (blue over pink), recarpeted, and outfitted with an inadequate hide-a-bed loveseat. ALSO I fail to understand why he thought it necessary to carpet my bathroom? Not even indoor-outdoor type carpet like in my first apartment, which was pretty nasty by the time I moved out anyway, but actual normal living-room type carpet. hork.
[note: this has not been edited for coherence although posted the next day]
2 - St. Joe local news, I think. I want to slap this weather guy into 1957.
3 - TryAbCircle.com N K THX
4 - baseball. is this baseball time of year? isn't that done? aren't football and baseball mutually exclusive? sigh.
8 - is this local access? This used to be NWMSU's weird RGB weather type scrolling text channel. All the channels are different and I want to know where 5 and 6 went. 7 was HBO and we never got that.
9 - "We're on television and Facebook!" and you won't find me on either.
10 - This show is called "Praise the Lord." I am trying to imagine who watches Praise the Lord at 11:00pm Central. I picture elderly women in print muumuus sitting on 1970s polyester paisley couches with many cats in a wood-paneled living room decorated with velvet Jesus and Elvis paintings in a 1:1 ratio. To be fair, I'm kind of thinking about my great-grandmother...Wow. Now there's a stagecoach and horses. OMG PONIES so far this is winning; do I get an honorary muumuu?
11 - This appears still to be Kansas City PBS but it's full of singing men in cowboy hats and earrings on a stage with a projection of the White House in the background. Note: TV is on mute.
12 - Gyrating skank-type in spandex and sequins on another stage that looks kind of like the bridge on the original Enterprise. Next.
13 - Race cars. Nascar? This rates second to the ponies to date.
14 - I think this is a movie. Some guy and a lady and her son who is wearing a letter jacket to bed? It looks like there is a mummified pterodactyl hanging from the ceiling. There is a bowl of bananas. I prefer plantains to bananas.
15 - William Shatner is angry and wearing a suit. Sing Lucy in the Sky! Please?!?
16 - A nerdy guy in a business suit and a woman in a really ugly white pantsuit are putting some kind of belt on another man in gym shorts and projecting some kind of thermographic showing increase to core body temperature. OKAY I totally thought this was a sitcom but apparently it really is an infomercial. God Bless America.
17 - Master Prep Quad Blade Food and Drink Maker. QVC currently ranks #1, ponies lose by a nose. whoa, I think that guy just pureed a ham.
19 - Winning-2009.com. Is everything infomercials after 11? sad.
20 - this has commercials on top and like TV guide on the bottom third of the screen? I don't understand. So many things in the world that I do not understand.
23 - apparently ESPN hires a lot of very intent bronze-blonde fortyish women reporters. This is football, not baseball. AAAARRRRGH
24 - this is also football. this can't be live at this hour, can it? it is a Halloween game; the orange team is playing against the black team. Oh, shit, it's Mizzou and they're losing. Come on, guys, try a little harder, I don't care how hard you suck as long as it's less than Nebraska.
25 - All Night Poker. Who thought that was exciting enough to televise?
26 - more sports of some ilk. it makes me angry. a n g r y
27 - Really, truly terrifying GEICO commercial. I refuse ever to have GEICO just because of the commercials.
28 - Still MTV. At least some things are consistent. And they consistently do not play videos. Has radio turned about and killed the video star? I hate to admit that the DVD collection of McCartney videos I got is pretty much uniformly unfortunate.
29 - some boy biking on an obstacle course at night near a giant inflatable Mountain Dew bottle. Has a helmet but no elbow pads, C+
30 - Sorority Wars world premiere. seriously? ngh2wpp3qr279
31 - I think these are the balloon people on CNN. I want to build a balloon and run away in it so I need to lose 100 pounds immediately for it to be feasible. It's good to set achievable goals and what were we talking about again?
32 - A&E. lots of people in police uniforms. Not sure if they are actually supposed to be police. Explosions. Man whose cheekbones are about to pop out of his skull and take over the world.
33 - Team of men in helmets and orange shirts with reflective tape. I would like to take part in an activity that requires such gear one time anyway. They're getting into a helicopter. I'm not very interested in helicopters. They just seem noisy. I would prefer to utilize my helmet and orange reflective shirt to ride a four-wheeler crosscountry in search of a lost ark. One of the men is now wearing what appears to be a pink hula skirt with long, wide strips of grass. I'm kind of curious about this but sense that the answer will only disappoint.
34 - TNT, whatever this is, at least I know it will be trashy. It is a show about men watching sports. FML.
35 - I am unfamiliar with FX. Talking men in business suits again. TV is 40% that, 40% sports, 20% regrettable miscellany. Aren't there supposed to be cartoon channels or something?
36 - DISNEY. if it's not That's so Raven or Lizzie McGuire, DO NOT WANT. Teenaged children on a couch watching a girl with a tiara and a golden dress freak out and hide behind a car on TV. Is this what they call meta?
37 - ooh ooh Nick at Nite....DUDE. THE NANNY? REALLY?
38 - Who actually subscribes to Better Homes and Gardens besides dentists' offices? I mean, seriously.
39 - I approve of the History Channel in theory but this appears to be entirely about baby heads.
40 - The SyFy thing is sooooooo lame that it is a physical pain in my kidney. When did this channel last not suck? 1997?
41 - Adult Swim. This is something else better in theory than in practice. I guess it wins over everything but the Quad Blade thing. I can only watch anime subtitled. I can't even tell if this is real anime or something fake. Neither can I tell what's going on, and I don't care enough to unmute. It's not Space Ghost so autofail.
42 - I think this used to be the last channel. HGTV. A man in an aqua polo shirt is caressing a wall with a truly beatified expression. A woman with a sewing machine is taking him waaaay too seriously. This might be the Extreme Home Makeover guy. I used to watch that while I lay on the floor to do isometric exercises during the Fabulous Broken Hip Incident. Except that I also watched Wife Swap because I only got the one channel and that's probably when I gave up on the world for good. "Surviving a Super Tumor" premieres tomorrow. again, seriously?
43 - The Weather Channel is a runner-up to QVC. It neither thrills nor offends. Montana Tourism Up. Good to know.
44 - TBS. I miss Dinner and a Movie with Paul and Annabelle. This movie is not Spaceballs, so NEXT.
45 - C-Span. Hives commence.
46 - Fox News Hello Goodbye.
47 - The Suze Orman Show. Is that supposed to be pronounced like "Susie"? My gut instinct is to call that adolescent affectation, but that woman looks about 45, so maybe her mom just hated her that much, I don't know, but you can change that kind of thing if you're motivated. She's gesturing wildly, kind of like a chimpanzee. This is almost interpretive dance. I'm oddly entranced.
48 - MSNBC = C-SPAN = horkhorkhork
49 - I don't know who Joy Behar is, but she looks like Laurie Partridge. I think her name was Laurie. My ideal cable lineup would be: The Partridge Family, Mary Tyler Moore, Newhart, shitty moon dub, Muppet Babies, and pre-1990 Sesame Street. You see why this is an exercise in futility. Does anyone else remember Dog City?
50 - oh my God I so do not ever want to hear about Kate Gosselin again, I am so angry that I even recognize her face that I could take an axe to something, anything, possibly this weird little white flatscreen Samsung TV that I really thought was a monitor Spook had left in here when she moved, but no.
51 - ABC Family has finally given me another pony, this one being curried by a woman wearing either a nightgown or a prom dress. She's talking to a very tan older man who reminds me of the Cryptkeeper for reasons I can't quite understand. WOW flashback to 1996.
52 - Food Network. I liked Feasting on Asphalt, both seasons. I haven't seen the waves one yet but am not sure that will work well. I really hate Paula Deen, especially when I'm on the treadmill. They're filling my screen with dead bird so this has to stop.
53 - Sloppy boy in a plaid shirt on Comedy Central. I am 98% sure he would not be funny even if I turned it up. Just a hunch. Boy is going through a phase of listening to streaming standup comedy on his pookie. GUESS WHAT. NONE OF YOU ARE FUNNY except the guy who sang the song about his kitten trying to kill him or eat him or something, and clearly that wasn't funny enough for me to remember it.
54 - The Hallmark Channel. The very name bodes ill. Kids in those little racecar things that get rolled down hills. The little blip in the lower right corner says COUNTDOWN TO HALLOWEEN, but this is so not a Halloween movie unless someone dies in his little racer car and haunts all the others. I was going to watch Are You Afraid of the Dark on YouTube tonight. Specifically the Whispering Walls one, the one with the toy factory and the creepy guy that says, "Hello, I am Leonid," because that's some funny shit right there, and the one with the girl who gets possessed by her deceased equestrienne aunt Dora, because "LET ME OUT 4 3 8" is my motto. (Note: It may be a different yet similar series of three digits but I cannot fact-check because stupid dad stupid wireless key rrrrrgh) I forgot to add that to the ideal show list some lines up.
55 - BAR FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT with an art glass sculpture? a unique sort of garden trowel? I have no idea what that hairy cowboy's got in his hand there.
56 - Navy-type men, presumably on a boat, if boats have ceiling fans inside, but I can't think why you'd have ugly lights on the ceiling like that if they weren't multi-function emergency lights for when the hurricane damages your generators and you're floating lifeless in the middle Atlantic.
57 - Stop-action Dr. Pepper commercial. I shall allow this to continue. Preferably without the scary rabbit.
58 - It's Animal Planet, but all I see are dogs. Montage of dogs. I would like to see some black bears, or maybe a Kodiak bear, or I guess a narwhal. There is this bar in a super ghetto part of St. Joe on the Avenue called The Brown Bear, and they have a big sign with a bear and I'd like to go inside someday just to see what it's like but first I need a concealed weapon permit and also a Bumpit.
59 - whoa SKULL. this is the Travel Channel. but all I see is SKULL.
60 - OUTDOOR. running dogs. They look like Mishie's dad's bird dogs. One was named Lolly and I was terrified of them even though they lived outside in a little pen thing. "Quail and Pheasant Restoration Technologies." I'm going to night school to become a certified quail restoration technologist. You have to pass a test and then work for three years under a quailmaster.
61 - beer and now cars. it's a men's health supplement commercial. if you take this, you can drink more beer and drive your car faster? you are still an a-hole. I wonder if I called the 1-888 number if I'd get Biskit's brother who works in a call center taking orders for that kind of thing. He has some great stories.
62 - wow that man really looks like a pig, maybe I should go to bed. oh god golf why is golf on TV. golf is boring in real space and also on TV. If there is no little windmill, you need to take up curling instead, or RUGBY. REAL MEN PLAY RUGBY.
63 - AMC. wow, this is pre-1985, whatever it is. lots of guns and lots of hair. I still want that Hello Kitty assault rifle.
64 - National Geographic channel. they have that? this show has like a biker gang or something knocking on people's doors and they're all shaking hands. it's New York? I don't like New York, it out-noisies the helicopters; next.
65 - OH OH OH OH OH OH OH IT'S ROSEANNE WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN wait it's on TV LAND WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY I AM NOT OLD ENOUGH FOR THAT TO BE ON TV LAND
66 - I remember TVs with little dials and you could have twelve channels because it went to 13 but didn't have a 1. So far I am still glad I don't have TV at home. I guess I would have three or four channels if I ever bring that digital converter into the house from the trunk of my car.
67 - oh wow Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor. I'm thinking NO.
68 - this is entirely in Spanish, even the Advil commercials. I want one in Bulgarian.
69 - I'm kind of offended that there needs to be a BET but I don't know that I can articulate the reasons.
70 - TruTV. Is this a biography? There is a man in the dark being questioned, and then shots of a bar and flashing lights. I had a TV in my room all through high school. I remember watching Caroline in the City and Friends and Frasier in maybe ninth grade and movies on the phone with Punkin but I don't remember it being this bad? When I was back home in school I would watch Golden Girls upstairs before work sometimes.
71 - this looks like the Soap Channel? Does that exist? This woman in a hospital bed has some really random bandages on her face. I want to live in their world. My name would be Corinne, and I would drive a green Ferrari. The woman I thought was my sister would actually be my grandmother, and my father would be in jail in Sierra Leone. I would be constantly fleeing from ninjas and international spies who are after the mysterious 50-carat topaz pendant I inherited on my 21st birthday.
72 - LMN. lemon? lame-n? who actually wears puffy vest jacket things? I am going to bed and hope I wake up in a parallel dimension.
[note: sadly, I did not]
HOWEVER, there is cable TV here. I have not had cable TV since I moved out. I am sleeping out in the sunroom, which was Mom's bedroom, because my old room has been repainted (blue over pink), recarpeted, and outfitted with an inadequate hide-a-bed loveseat. ALSO I fail to understand why he thought it necessary to carpet my bathroom? Not even indoor-outdoor type carpet like in my first apartment, which was pretty nasty by the time I moved out anyway, but actual normal living-room type carpet. hork.
[note: this has not been edited for coherence although posted the next day]
2 - St. Joe local news, I think. I want to slap this weather guy into 1957.
3 - TryAbCircle.com N K THX
4 - baseball. is this baseball time of year? isn't that done? aren't football and baseball mutually exclusive? sigh.
8 - is this local access? This used to be NWMSU's weird RGB weather type scrolling text channel. All the channels are different and I want to know where 5 and 6 went. 7 was HBO and we never got that.
9 - "We're on television and Facebook!" and you won't find me on either.
10 - This show is called "Praise the Lord." I am trying to imagine who watches Praise the Lord at 11:00pm Central. I picture elderly women in print muumuus sitting on 1970s polyester paisley couches with many cats in a wood-paneled living room decorated with velvet Jesus and Elvis paintings in a 1:1 ratio. To be fair, I'm kind of thinking about my great-grandmother...Wow. Now there's a stagecoach and horses. OMG PONIES so far this is winning; do I get an honorary muumuu?
11 - This appears still to be Kansas City PBS but it's full of singing men in cowboy hats and earrings on a stage with a projection of the White House in the background. Note: TV is on mute.
12 - Gyrating skank-type in spandex and sequins on another stage that looks kind of like the bridge on the original Enterprise. Next.
13 - Race cars. Nascar? This rates second to the ponies to date.
14 - I think this is a movie. Some guy and a lady and her son who is wearing a letter jacket to bed? It looks like there is a mummified pterodactyl hanging from the ceiling. There is a bowl of bananas. I prefer plantains to bananas.
15 - William Shatner is angry and wearing a suit. Sing Lucy in the Sky! Please?!?
16 - A nerdy guy in a business suit and a woman in a really ugly white pantsuit are putting some kind of belt on another man in gym shorts and projecting some kind of thermographic showing increase to core body temperature. OKAY I totally thought this was a sitcom but apparently it really is an infomercial. God Bless America.
17 - Master Prep Quad Blade Food and Drink Maker. QVC currently ranks #1, ponies lose by a nose. whoa, I think that guy just pureed a ham.
19 - Winning-2009.com. Is everything infomercials after 11? sad.
20 - this has commercials on top and like TV guide on the bottom third of the screen? I don't understand. So many things in the world that I do not understand.
23 - apparently ESPN hires a lot of very intent bronze-blonde fortyish women reporters. This is football, not baseball. AAAARRRRGH
24 - this is also football. this can't be live at this hour, can it? it is a Halloween game; the orange team is playing against the black team. Oh, shit, it's Mizzou and they're losing. Come on, guys, try a little harder, I don't care how hard you suck as long as it's less than Nebraska.
25 - All Night Poker. Who thought that was exciting enough to televise?
26 - more sports of some ilk. it makes me angry. a n g r y
27 - Really, truly terrifying GEICO commercial. I refuse ever to have GEICO just because of the commercials.
28 - Still MTV. At least some things are consistent. And they consistently do not play videos. Has radio turned about and killed the video star? I hate to admit that the DVD collection of McCartney videos I got is pretty much uniformly unfortunate.
29 - some boy biking on an obstacle course at night near a giant inflatable Mountain Dew bottle. Has a helmet but no elbow pads, C+
30 - Sorority Wars world premiere. seriously? ngh2wpp3qr279
31 - I think these are the balloon people on CNN. I want to build a balloon and run away in it so I need to lose 100 pounds immediately for it to be feasible. It's good to set achievable goals and what were we talking about again?
32 - A&E. lots of people in police uniforms. Not sure if they are actually supposed to be police. Explosions. Man whose cheekbones are about to pop out of his skull and take over the world.
33 - Team of men in helmets and orange shirts with reflective tape. I would like to take part in an activity that requires such gear one time anyway. They're getting into a helicopter. I'm not very interested in helicopters. They just seem noisy. I would prefer to utilize my helmet and orange reflective shirt to ride a four-wheeler crosscountry in search of a lost ark. One of the men is now wearing what appears to be a pink hula skirt with long, wide strips of grass. I'm kind of curious about this but sense that the answer will only disappoint.
34 - TNT, whatever this is, at least I know it will be trashy. It is a show about men watching sports. FML.
35 - I am unfamiliar with FX. Talking men in business suits again. TV is 40% that, 40% sports, 20% regrettable miscellany. Aren't there supposed to be cartoon channels or something?
36 - DISNEY. if it's not That's so Raven or Lizzie McGuire, DO NOT WANT. Teenaged children on a couch watching a girl with a tiara and a golden dress freak out and hide behind a car on TV. Is this what they call meta?
37 - ooh ooh Nick at Nite....DUDE. THE NANNY? REALLY?
38 - Who actually subscribes to Better Homes and Gardens besides dentists' offices? I mean, seriously.
39 - I approve of the History Channel in theory but this appears to be entirely about baby heads.
40 - The SyFy thing is sooooooo lame that it is a physical pain in my kidney. When did this channel last not suck? 1997?
41 - Adult Swim. This is something else better in theory than in practice. I guess it wins over everything but the Quad Blade thing. I can only watch anime subtitled. I can't even tell if this is real anime or something fake. Neither can I tell what's going on, and I don't care enough to unmute. It's not Space Ghost so autofail.
42 - I think this used to be the last channel. HGTV. A man in an aqua polo shirt is caressing a wall with a truly beatified expression. A woman with a sewing machine is taking him waaaay too seriously. This might be the Extreme Home Makeover guy. I used to watch that while I lay on the floor to do isometric exercises during the Fabulous Broken Hip Incident. Except that I also watched Wife Swap because I only got the one channel and that's probably when I gave up on the world for good. "Surviving a Super Tumor" premieres tomorrow. again, seriously?
43 - The Weather Channel is a runner-up to QVC. It neither thrills nor offends. Montana Tourism Up. Good to know.
44 - TBS. I miss Dinner and a Movie with Paul and Annabelle. This movie is not Spaceballs, so NEXT.
45 - C-Span. Hives commence.
46 - Fox News Hello Goodbye.
47 - The Suze Orman Show. Is that supposed to be pronounced like "Susie"? My gut instinct is to call that adolescent affectation, but that woman looks about 45, so maybe her mom just hated her that much, I don't know, but you can change that kind of thing if you're motivated. She's gesturing wildly, kind of like a chimpanzee. This is almost interpretive dance. I'm oddly entranced.
48 - MSNBC = C-SPAN = horkhorkhork
49 - I don't know who Joy Behar is, but she looks like Laurie Partridge. I think her name was Laurie. My ideal cable lineup would be: The Partridge Family, Mary Tyler Moore, Newhart, shitty moon dub, Muppet Babies, and pre-1990 Sesame Street. You see why this is an exercise in futility. Does anyone else remember Dog City?
50 - oh my God I so do not ever want to hear about Kate Gosselin again, I am so angry that I even recognize her face that I could take an axe to something, anything, possibly this weird little white flatscreen Samsung TV that I really thought was a monitor Spook had left in here when she moved, but no.
51 - ABC Family has finally given me another pony, this one being curried by a woman wearing either a nightgown or a prom dress. She's talking to a very tan older man who reminds me of the Cryptkeeper for reasons I can't quite understand. WOW flashback to 1996.
52 - Food Network. I liked Feasting on Asphalt, both seasons. I haven't seen the waves one yet but am not sure that will work well. I really hate Paula Deen, especially when I'm on the treadmill. They're filling my screen with dead bird so this has to stop.
53 - Sloppy boy in a plaid shirt on Comedy Central. I am 98% sure he would not be funny even if I turned it up. Just a hunch. Boy is going through a phase of listening to streaming standup comedy on his pookie. GUESS WHAT. NONE OF YOU ARE FUNNY except the guy who sang the song about his kitten trying to kill him or eat him or something, and clearly that wasn't funny enough for me to remember it.
54 - The Hallmark Channel. The very name bodes ill. Kids in those little racecar things that get rolled down hills. The little blip in the lower right corner says COUNTDOWN TO HALLOWEEN, but this is so not a Halloween movie unless someone dies in his little racer car and haunts all the others. I was going to watch Are You Afraid of the Dark on YouTube tonight. Specifically the Whispering Walls one, the one with the toy factory and the creepy guy that says, "Hello, I am Leonid," because that's some funny shit right there, and the one with the girl who gets possessed by her deceased equestrienne aunt Dora, because "LET ME OUT 4 3 8" is my motto. (Note: It may be a different yet similar series of three digits but I cannot fact-check because stupid dad stupid wireless key rrrrrgh) I forgot to add that to the ideal show list some lines up.
55 - BAR FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT with an art glass sculpture? a unique sort of garden trowel? I have no idea what that hairy cowboy's got in his hand there.
56 - Navy-type men, presumably on a boat, if boats have ceiling fans inside, but I can't think why you'd have ugly lights on the ceiling like that if they weren't multi-function emergency lights for when the hurricane damages your generators and you're floating lifeless in the middle Atlantic.
57 - Stop-action Dr. Pepper commercial. I shall allow this to continue. Preferably without the scary rabbit.
58 - It's Animal Planet, but all I see are dogs. Montage of dogs. I would like to see some black bears, or maybe a Kodiak bear, or I guess a narwhal. There is this bar in a super ghetto part of St. Joe on the Avenue called The Brown Bear, and they have a big sign with a bear and I'd like to go inside someday just to see what it's like but first I need a concealed weapon permit and also a Bumpit.
59 - whoa SKULL. this is the Travel Channel. but all I see is SKULL.
60 - OUTDOOR. running dogs. They look like Mishie's dad's bird dogs. One was named Lolly and I was terrified of them even though they lived outside in a little pen thing. "Quail and Pheasant Restoration Technologies." I'm going to night school to become a certified quail restoration technologist. You have to pass a test and then work for three years under a quailmaster.
61 - beer and now cars. it's a men's health supplement commercial. if you take this, you can drink more beer and drive your car faster? you are still an a-hole. I wonder if I called the 1-888 number if I'd get Biskit's brother who works in a call center taking orders for that kind of thing. He has some great stories.
62 - wow that man really looks like a pig, maybe I should go to bed. oh god golf why is golf on TV. golf is boring in real space and also on TV. If there is no little windmill, you need to take up curling instead, or RUGBY. REAL MEN PLAY RUGBY.
63 - AMC. wow, this is pre-1985, whatever it is. lots of guns and lots of hair. I still want that Hello Kitty assault rifle.
64 - National Geographic channel. they have that? this show has like a biker gang or something knocking on people's doors and they're all shaking hands. it's New York? I don't like New York, it out-noisies the helicopters; next.
65 - OH OH OH OH OH OH OH IT'S ROSEANNE WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN wait it's on TV LAND WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY I AM NOT OLD ENOUGH FOR THAT TO BE ON TV LAND
66 - I remember TVs with little dials and you could have twelve channels because it went to 13 but didn't have a 1. So far I am still glad I don't have TV at home. I guess I would have three or four channels if I ever bring that digital converter into the house from the trunk of my car.
67 - oh wow Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor. I'm thinking NO.
68 - this is entirely in Spanish, even the Advil commercials. I want one in Bulgarian.
69 - I'm kind of offended that there needs to be a BET but I don't know that I can articulate the reasons.
70 - TruTV. Is this a biography? There is a man in the dark being questioned, and then shots of a bar and flashing lights. I had a TV in my room all through high school. I remember watching Caroline in the City and Friends and Frasier in maybe ninth grade and movies on the phone with Punkin but I don't remember it being this bad? When I was back home in school I would watch Golden Girls upstairs before work sometimes.
71 - this looks like the Soap Channel? Does that exist? This woman in a hospital bed has some really random bandages on her face. I want to live in their world. My name would be Corinne, and I would drive a green Ferrari. The woman I thought was my sister would actually be my grandmother, and my father would be in jail in Sierra Leone. I would be constantly fleeing from ninjas and international spies who are after the mysterious 50-carat topaz pendant I inherited on my 21st birthday.
72 - LMN. lemon? lame-n? who actually wears puffy vest jacket things? I am going to bed and hope I wake up in a parallel dimension.
[note: sadly, I did not]
Saturday, October 17, 2009
the past is a grotesque animal
I really, really, REALLY needed coffee this morning, so I thought I'd drive through the Scooters near the house and get latte, since I abhor the work coffee and have not yet dug out my four-cup (two mug) Hello Kitty coffee maker for the cube. I made it all the way to the parking lot and then had to turn around and leave because even the thought of talking to the little man in the window was much too overwhelming. THEN, since this is of course the ideal thing for me during a phobic phase, tonight I had to sit in an Outback and watch other people eat. Was not very excited about that. HOWEVER, it has come to my attention that I can watch YouTube on my phone if I'm not concerned about clarity of subtitle, so the evening was not a total waste.
Since I have clearly self-destructive tendencies, I signed up for an AGA lunch meeting next week located in a building downtown approximately thirty minutes away from work, because I need to work harder at pretending I give a flying hork at the moooooon about my career. I would join the American Society of Women Accountants to further fluff my resume, but work will only pay for one professional membership, and I already belong to two organizations. "Belong" defined as "pay $$$ dues to and receive irrelevant newsletters from." I cannot yet bring myself to participate actively in any of these. Rooms full of short-haired, suited women who are older than me and don't think I'm very cute or funny yet expect me to eat in front of them just DO NOT APPEAL. I am attending a professional development conference in Bellevue in November, and the idea of it makes me want to vomit. If I could make B or JL go with me, it would be easier, but unfortunately I am supposed to be the big mommy accountant. Whose misguided idea was that? Today the big mommy accountant had to take too many phone calls in a row and subsequently sat in a corner with the stuffed skunk for seven minutes in an ineffective attempt at regrouping.
I'm still waiting for Alexis.
The waitress refilled my diet Coke three times at Outback, yet I am still having a hard time even keeping my eyes open. I had to promise myself all kinds of improbable things to get myself out of bed this morning. At least she didn't try to make me eat toast like the lady at Village Inn once when I was watching Mecha and the boy eat pancakes and bacon. NORLYKTHX
I probably need to buy a coat. I really don't like the fat-girl coat I got last year and need an interim measure until I've slimmed sufficiently for my old pink one, or perhaps a new pink one. Old pink one dates I think winter 2000, but is in fairly good condition except a persistent small spot on the sleeve that is either blood or nail polish and also where Miyu ate some of the fur.
Sometimes I miss Miyu, but I live in terror that I will have to take Miyu back. Neither kitten has ever wet the carpet. Mimi has been known to do so. I am afraid that kittenen would follow the bad example and begin an endless cycle of horror. BUT if Mom were determined to dispose of him, I couldn't let him leave the family, especially since I brought him home in the first place. A thousand years ago.
Four years ago next week was the Fantastic Broken Hip Incident of 2005. I'll tell the story if I get at least three requests, but I'll warn you in advance it's not very inspiring. As a bonus I'll throw in the Broken Leg Miracle of Tax Day 2008. It's a lot funnier now.
Since I have clearly self-destructive tendencies, I signed up for an AGA lunch meeting next week located in a building downtown approximately thirty minutes away from work, because I need to work harder at pretending I give a flying hork at the moooooon about my career. I would join the American Society of Women Accountants to further fluff my resume, but work will only pay for one professional membership, and I already belong to two organizations. "Belong" defined as "pay $$$ dues to and receive irrelevant newsletters from." I cannot yet bring myself to participate actively in any of these. Rooms full of short-haired, suited women who are older than me and don't think I'm very cute or funny yet expect me to eat in front of them just DO NOT APPEAL. I am attending a professional development conference in Bellevue in November, and the idea of it makes me want to vomit. If I could make B or JL go with me, it would be easier, but unfortunately I am supposed to be the big mommy accountant. Whose misguided idea was that? Today the big mommy accountant had to take too many phone calls in a row and subsequently sat in a corner with the stuffed skunk for seven minutes in an ineffective attempt at regrouping.
I'm still waiting for Alexis.
The waitress refilled my diet Coke three times at Outback, yet I am still having a hard time even keeping my eyes open. I had to promise myself all kinds of improbable things to get myself out of bed this morning. At least she didn't try to make me eat toast like the lady at Village Inn once when I was watching Mecha and the boy eat pancakes and bacon. NORLYKTHX
I probably need to buy a coat. I really don't like the fat-girl coat I got last year and need an interim measure until I've slimmed sufficiently for my old pink one, or perhaps a new pink one. Old pink one dates I think winter 2000, but is in fairly good condition except a persistent small spot on the sleeve that is either blood or nail polish and also where Miyu ate some of the fur.
Sometimes I miss Miyu, but I live in terror that I will have to take Miyu back. Neither kitten has ever wet the carpet. Mimi has been known to do so. I am afraid that kittenen would follow the bad example and begin an endless cycle of horror. BUT if Mom were determined to dispose of him, I couldn't let him leave the family, especially since I brought him home in the first place. A thousand years ago.
Four years ago next week was the Fantastic Broken Hip Incident of 2005. I'll tell the story if I get at least three requests, but I'll warn you in advance it's not very inspiring. As a bonus I'll throw in the Broken Leg Miracle of Tax Day 2008. It's a lot funnier now.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
present mirth hath present laughter
Let's just say I spent the weekend remembering to breathe and let it go. I am my own ghost, this indelible imprint of one moment of horror that repeats ad infinitum.
I stayed home today. Went to bed at 8:30 last night and woke up feeling worse. Could have gone in and survived okay but would have spent 7.5 hours staring at my hands. It was sunny out and I wanted to take Electra out on the deck and read clouds for a while, or maybe rake leaves into unlikely patterns. I did leave the house to return my library books and then visit Kroger to bring home apples and marked-down organic romaine heads and marvel at why the world needs bacon Easy Mac. That may be as far as I get today. I only allowed me to stay home with the idea that I'd be working on that 80000-page study guide but, as usual, lied to myself like a crazy lying thing.
I like to think about if I had been an eccentric trust fund brat and my life would be exactly like this, with the little house and my fourteen-year-old car, only I wouldn't have to work and I could enjoy the angle of the light in my living room at ten o'clock every morning and walk walk walk all over town all day long listening to Chiquita and not be such a gourddamned stress muffin because the idea of another fifty years of this is unreal and makes me cry if I can't distract myself with shiny things.
I'm sure no one intended to send me into a(nother) blazing spiral of self-loathing with an off-hand comment. "nothing against, but." I'm afraid to go to bed yet as will just lie there with my face in the pillow again and think blank, empty thoughts. Did you know I'm nothing if I'm not pretty? Absolutely nothing? J can tell me I'm a beautiful girl, and my real mother will agree, and the boy will say anything in the hopeless hope that he will someday find his way into my bed, but they lie, lie, lie to my face. The stars won't lie to me, and neither will they sing.
Diet Squirt is like Fresca's unacknowledged bastard sibling. That's not necessarily bad.
I stayed home today. Went to bed at 8:30 last night and woke up feeling worse. Could have gone in and survived okay but would have spent 7.5 hours staring at my hands. It was sunny out and I wanted to take Electra out on the deck and read clouds for a while, or maybe rake leaves into unlikely patterns. I did leave the house to return my library books and then visit Kroger to bring home apples and marked-down organic romaine heads and marvel at why the world needs bacon Easy Mac. That may be as far as I get today. I only allowed me to stay home with the idea that I'd be working on that 80000-page study guide but, as usual, lied to myself like a crazy lying thing.
I like to think about if I had been an eccentric trust fund brat and my life would be exactly like this, with the little house and my fourteen-year-old car, only I wouldn't have to work and I could enjoy the angle of the light in my living room at ten o'clock every morning and walk walk walk all over town all day long listening to Chiquita and not be such a gourddamned stress muffin because the idea of another fifty years of this is unreal and makes me cry if I can't distract myself with shiny things.
I'm sure no one intended to send me into a(nother) blazing spiral of self-loathing with an off-hand comment. "nothing against, but." I'm afraid to go to bed yet as will just lie there with my face in the pillow again and think blank, empty thoughts. Did you know I'm nothing if I'm not pretty? Absolutely nothing? J can tell me I'm a beautiful girl, and my real mother will agree, and the boy will say anything in the hopeless hope that he will someday find his way into my bed, but they lie, lie, lie to my face. The stars won't lie to me, and neither will they sing.
Diet Squirt is like Fresca's unacknowledged bastard sibling. That's not necessarily bad.
Monday, October 5, 2009
what a dream I had
Today, out of absolutely nowhere, B turned around and asked me how to spell exsanguination. I have decided I like her. J stuck a finger-sized piece of her military retirement cake under my nose, and, it being Monday, I slowly consumed it over half an hour. I pointed out to B that this must mean I like her, as most of my current and former co-workers are pretty damn sure I photosynthesize. She thought that was funnier than I did.
The gold glitter nails always make people ask me if I did them myself. It's kind of weird when men ask; I never expect them to notice.
They have started to implode my bridge without notifying me. K asked if I'd been down to watch. I thought she meant they had taken it all down and was prepared to be EXTREMELY UPSET as had Googled the poot out of it earlier and couldn't find any demolition schedule. I made a reconnaissance mission this evening and determined that they had only done part of the western approach. I need to ask where she read about it so I can find out when they're doing the rest of it and document it with bad digital pictures. I will take off work for this, because it is Important.
Coke Zero is an abomination before all the gods. No. Really.
So I have finished all my library books and am reading something by Anne Rice. I don't think this one has a vampire. I am on page 180 of 1037, and so far, no vampire. I give it back unfinished if there are vampires.
Sometimes I wish I had a large, close extended family with second cousins and third cousins and numerous aunts and uncles and that we lived as a clan in a town small enough that a clan meant something. Where people know by your name who you are. I don't know why I want that. I must secretly want to belong somewhere. To some people. Permanently.
However, top 25 reasons I should not procreate:
Overpopulation is bad for the environment. The Duggars had mine. And yours and yours and yours and yours.
Dora the Explorer. See also: Elmo.
I forget what percentage of women need episiotomies, and what percentage of those subsequently have "permanent fecal incontinence," but I DIDN'T LIKE THE ODDS.
I'd rather put myself back through college and major in something that actually interests me.
They grow up, move away, and never call.
Alternatively, they grow up and live in your basement for the rest of their lives.
OR, they call you twice a day having panic attacks. If this is genetic, I'm a carrier.
My life revolves around ME kthx. Selfish? Don't mind if I do!
Doesn't the cost of raising a child to age eighteen hover around $250,000? That's my retirement!
I can't even afford my own therapy.
The Strawberry Shortcake reboot makes me cry.
I don't need to pass on the Catholic blood guilt.
Neither do I need to pass on the lack of depth perception and lousy bone density.
I'd name her something out of a hippie fairy tale, and she'd grow up to be a stripper.
I can't even discipline two cats.
I would rather have a colonoscopy than a Pap smear. Hands down. OB-GYN? Ha ha, surely you jest.
If I had to give up caffeine for nine months, my co-workers would lie in wait with a coat hanger around week five.
The little shits would swear like fucking sailors. With goddamn Tourette's.
It might be a boy, and I'd have to drown it at birth.
It might be a girl, and I'd hate her for being younger than me.
It might take after me, and God forbid.
It might take after its dad, and I have appalling taste in men.
If I ever get my figure back, I am NOT blowing it on producing a snot factory.
My house is already child-protection-services filthy, sans children.
If I had a baby, I wouldn't BE the baby anymore.
Anyway, Eugenia would disapprove.
The gold glitter nails always make people ask me if I did them myself. It's kind of weird when men ask; I never expect them to notice.
They have started to implode my bridge without notifying me. K asked if I'd been down to watch. I thought she meant they had taken it all down and was prepared to be EXTREMELY UPSET as had Googled the poot out of it earlier and couldn't find any demolition schedule. I made a reconnaissance mission this evening and determined that they had only done part of the western approach. I need to ask where she read about it so I can find out when they're doing the rest of it and document it with bad digital pictures. I will take off work for this, because it is Important.
Coke Zero is an abomination before all the gods. No. Really.
So I have finished all my library books and am reading something by Anne Rice. I don't think this one has a vampire. I am on page 180 of 1037, and so far, no vampire. I give it back unfinished if there are vampires.
Sometimes I wish I had a large, close extended family with second cousins and third cousins and numerous aunts and uncles and that we lived as a clan in a town small enough that a clan meant something. Where people know by your name who you are. I don't know why I want that. I must secretly want to belong somewhere. To some people. Permanently.
However, top 25 reasons I should not procreate:
Overpopulation is bad for the environment. The Duggars had mine. And yours and yours and yours and yours.
Dora the Explorer. See also: Elmo.
I forget what percentage of women need episiotomies, and what percentage of those subsequently have "permanent fecal incontinence," but I DIDN'T LIKE THE ODDS.
I'd rather put myself back through college and major in something that actually interests me.
They grow up, move away, and never call.
Alternatively, they grow up and live in your basement for the rest of their lives.
OR, they call you twice a day having panic attacks. If this is genetic, I'm a carrier.
My life revolves around ME kthx. Selfish? Don't mind if I do!
Doesn't the cost of raising a child to age eighteen hover around $250,000? That's my retirement!
I can't even afford my own therapy.
The Strawberry Shortcake reboot makes me cry.
I don't need to pass on the Catholic blood guilt.
Neither do I need to pass on the lack of depth perception and lousy bone density.
I'd name her something out of a hippie fairy tale, and she'd grow up to be a stripper.
I can't even discipline two cats.
I would rather have a colonoscopy than a Pap smear. Hands down. OB-GYN? Ha ha, surely you jest.
If I had to give up caffeine for nine months, my co-workers would lie in wait with a coat hanger around week five.
The little shits would swear like fucking sailors. With goddamn Tourette's.
It might be a boy, and I'd have to drown it at birth.
It might be a girl, and I'd hate her for being younger than me.
It might take after me, and God forbid.
It might take after its dad, and I have appalling taste in men.
If I ever get my figure back, I am NOT blowing it on producing a snot factory.
My house is already child-protection-services filthy, sans children.
If I had a baby, I wouldn't BE the baby anymore.
Anyway, Eugenia would disapprove.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
to fight your demons and your bloody wars
Today's overwhelming delight was the new head for my toothbrush. I would have been an extremely bad-tempered pioneer.
I am the only person in my immediate family who wasn't allowed an English degree. It would all have been a lot different. Sometimes I get hung up on that; mostly I try to ignore it.
Kitten claws have finally been clipped before she unintentionally destroys all my clothes. I need to learn to do it myself so I don't have to wait for him to do it, but I am terrified of cutting the quick. They both get baths next weekend, because she smells kind of sour to be kissed. Pushkin probably does too, but he doesn't like to be kissed. Likely will have to be trimmed again before Halloween so they don't murder me in the struggle with costumes. I AM SO THAT PERSON.
Eugenia just jumped into my empty wicker laundry hamper.
I practiced the crown braid again today so I don't forget how, even though it's not very flattering for my fat little face right now, and someone called me Princess Leia. That is not my association there, but I guess it would be in the second two movies. And I've been called worse things.
Tomorrow I get to stay home after lunch and wait for the sprinkler man. This week is going to suck - Tuesday is subcommittee, which is going to run late and also painful, with or without the beaver; Wednesday I have to go back to purgatory, reaaaaally hoping the office empties out early because I reaaaaally am not up coping gracefully; Thursday is board night. Friday I will probably need to be an odango head.
I like my house too much. The big room has windows on three sides, and the ceiling is at least twelve feet at the highest point. LIGHT and AIR. I'm just afraid I will burn it down or end up unemployed and unemployable and lose it somehow. But maybe it's my reward for having to live in Omaha. I think I'm supposed to go pick out plants tomorrow. I would rather hide in my room kthx.
This weekend was not productive. I don't even know how I would define productive anymore.
Pushkin sits here and cries at me. He has food and water and a clean box, and he does not want to be loved. But he cries. I deserve this cat, because we are exactly alike.
I am the only person in my immediate family who wasn't allowed an English degree. It would all have been a lot different. Sometimes I get hung up on that; mostly I try to ignore it.
Kitten claws have finally been clipped before she unintentionally destroys all my clothes. I need to learn to do it myself so I don't have to wait for him to do it, but I am terrified of cutting the quick. They both get baths next weekend, because she smells kind of sour to be kissed. Pushkin probably does too, but he doesn't like to be kissed. Likely will have to be trimmed again before Halloween so they don't murder me in the struggle with costumes. I AM SO THAT PERSON.
Eugenia just jumped into my empty wicker laundry hamper.
I practiced the crown braid again today so I don't forget how, even though it's not very flattering for my fat little face right now, and someone called me Princess Leia. That is not my association there, but I guess it would be in the second two movies. And I've been called worse things.
Tomorrow I get to stay home after lunch and wait for the sprinkler man. This week is going to suck - Tuesday is subcommittee, which is going to run late and also painful, with or without the beaver; Wednesday I have to go back to purgatory, reaaaaally hoping the office empties out early because I reaaaaally am not up coping gracefully; Thursday is board night. Friday I will probably need to be an odango head.
I like my house too much. The big room has windows on three sides, and the ceiling is at least twelve feet at the highest point. LIGHT and AIR. I'm just afraid I will burn it down or end up unemployed and unemployable and lose it somehow. But maybe it's my reward for having to live in Omaha. I think I'm supposed to go pick out plants tomorrow. I would rather hide in my room kthx.
This weekend was not productive. I don't even know how I would define productive anymore.
Pushkin sits here and cries at me. He has food and water and a clean box, and he does not want to be loved. But he cries. I deserve this cat, because we are exactly alike.
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